Friday, 2 November 2018
Dear Mr President,
OK, I know I’ve praised Kellyanne Conway for her aplomb in the face of reality. I think I even said back in March 2017 that . . .
“If the White House were on fire, she’d just flash a smile like the grille of a 1946 Chevy pickup and swear nothing was amiss.”
Kellyanne was more fun than Reince and not nearly as creepy as Steven and so obviously for hire that we didn’t take her seriously.
But back then, your presidency was new and exciting in a not-too-frightening way and was even sort of amusing. Kellyanne was more fun than Reince and not nearly as creepy as Steven and so obviously for hire that we didn’t take her seriously. She was the girl in spangles at the entrance to the carnival tent dancing enticingly while the barker touted the monsters and wonders inside.
But the times are darker now, with some literal-minded folks thinking that your monsters are real and that your words have meaning. For example, there’s Mrs Olga Olson, of Le Seuer, Minnesota, who has installed time locks on her pantry because cop-killing “invaders” are coming to filch her kipper-snacks. And there’s that zealous but inept pipe-bomber who thought Maxine Waters was a terrorist bent on bombing the White House.
So Kellyanne should stick to distracting the public from your rhetorical excrescences with her smile and her dance. When she tries to use words seriously, they can go astray. Her reference to “our opioid cabinet” this week led some locals here to believe there is a unisex restroom in the White House with a medicine chest full of white powder. Her defense of your entanglements with attractive and litigious women – “The president is a very active man” – may not have deflected criticism quite as she intended. And her claim that America “is being sliced and diced” – obviously just a light-hearted allusion to the fate of Jamal Khashoggi – may excite the excitable into viewing their “Hispanic-looking” neighbors as members of MS-13.
A final thought: a week when pipe bombs are being delivered to your “enemies” from coast to coast may not be the best time to announce that “America is booming!”
Received by the White House at 12:01 AM EST, 2 November 2018