Skip to main content
La Infanta Ivanka

Friday, 14 June 2019

Dear Mr President,

A subplot in the drama of last week’s meeting of the two Royal Families was the silent stare-off of the princesses.

A lot of Americans think that Meghan Markle is a princess because she married a prince, but she’s just a duchess. Besides, she skipped the whole affair, pleading that she was nursing her baby, and real princesses simply don’t do that sort of thing.

Some also think that Louise Linton is a princess because her father owns a Scottish castle, but he’s not a laird or anything, he just bought the place. She got invited because Trump doesn’t trust her husband, Steve Mnuchin, Secretary of Loan Sharking, not to turn over his tax records while he’s out of the country.

Scroll to Continue

Recommended Articles

Those with doubts about La Infanta Ivanka's princessicity should consider the assurance with which she speaks on matters of which she has no concept.

Which pretty much leaves the field to Her Serene Vacancy, Daddy’s Girl, La Infanta Ivanka. Those with doubts about her princessicity should consider the assurance with which she speaks on matters of which she has no concept. Her recent rebuff of confessed proletarian Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who had proposed a federal minimum wage, neatly characterizes ordinary people as seen from the 58th floor: “People want to work for what they get,” Ivanka said, recalling her life as a fairy-tale rise from scullery maid to restroom attendant to fork-lift driver to Senior White House Advisor.

Reporters instinctively sense her princessness. When she declared that “The president had no involvement” in Jared’s Top Secret clearance, no follow-up questions, like “How do you know?” were asked. It was as if Ivanka’s flawless complexion and perfect posture made such a question an impertinence – like asking Queen Elizabeth about Philip’s driving record.

At breakfast after a night at Buckingham Palace, Ivanka complained that she hadn’t slept a wink. “I had a lady-in-waiting check, and there was a hard pea under the mattress. So that means that I’m a real . . .”

[dc]“W[/dc]hat?” said Trump excitedly, spilling his Bosco. “Pee? Mattress?”

dan embree 300

“No, Da-Da! “Under! Under the mattress.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:50 AM EST, 14 June 2019.