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Friday, 28 September 2018

Dear Mr President,

The new barmaid at the Retrofit has been causing trouble. Not just because she’s young and pretty, but because she has ideas that are hard to get used to. The first night, our local Casanova, Rod Pipes, winked his well-known wink and asked her out.

Liz shook her head and pointed to the bar. “Sign the letter,” she said, “then we’ll talk.”

Rod swaggered his well-known swagger onto a stool and scanned a letter taped to the bar. A single sentence was addressed to Mitch McConnell: “Girls are not the playthings of boys.” Rod smirked his well-known smirk and went back to his beer.

Slowly word spread through town. Girlfriends and wives smiled and shook their heads. Men asked one another how they were doing. “Harder and harder,” was the grim reply. More signatures.

A few regulars edged up to the bar, then puzzled, sat down again. Hopeful glances at barmaid Melba Thumper, standing by with arms folded, were met with a smile and a slow shake of her head.

And so the social fires of the Retrofit sputtered out. The other barmaids, the cook’s helpers, and even the beauty parlor girls who drink margaritas in the corner just smiled and shook their heads. Clueless, the regulars sulked over their beer and made lame jokes.

On Thursday, word of a future judge with his hand over the mouth of a future psychologist attracted notice. On Monday, news of the collision of a future domestic violence counselor with another of the future judge’s body parts provided focus. On Wednesday, a claim that the future judge had exercised one of his many privileges on the body of a future State Department employee caused some long-unused synapses to fire. One by one, signatures appeared.

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Slowly word spread through town. Girlfriends and wives smiled and shook their heads. Men asked one another how they were doing. “Harder and harder,” was the grim reply. More signatures.

On Wednesday night, Mr County Republican, Orrin Romney, stormed in. “What do you women think you’re not doing? My wife says you’ve got some fool letter!”

Liz pointed. Orrin read.

“What’s your name anyway?”

“Liz Estrada.”

A long pause. “Figures. Damned Greeks!”

dan-embree-17

And then he signed.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 4:12 AM EST, 28 September 2018