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michael cohen

Friday, 20 April 2018

Dear Mr President,

Listeners to Gatos Gordos’ Alto-Derecho station, KVFP – “Very Fine People on This Side” – were startled this week to hear David Dennison (himself!) call in to a talk show “to totally set the record straight on this Stormy thing.” Speaking in a slightly muffled NYC accent from “my native Mississippi”, Dennison said he was staying out of public view for now from fear of assassination by agents of the “Giant Left-Wing Conspiracy”, but would be appearing on Fox News “in the next short period of time or possibly in the short period of time right after that.”

The raid on my lawyer’s office – HAHRRIBLE! – prompted me to act. Mikey – Sean and Elliot and I all call him Mikey – has been my lawyer for years, so I know some of my stuff has been illegally scooped up by those slime-ball feds.

“The raid on my lawyer’s office – HAHRRIBLE! – prompted me to act. Mikey – Sean and Elliot and I all call him Mikey – has been my lawyer for years, so I know some of my stuff has been illegally scooped up by those slime-ball feds. Like that black-lace size 40 double-dee reported by Allan Ishac last week – talk about scoops! – it was a keepsake from Stormy herself, and Mikey promised to keep it safe. Totally mine.”

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“I’ve had a relationship with Stormy for years – on and off, on and off, on and off, you know – but when I was running for treasurer of a county school board, she threatened to expose the whole thing, so Mikey drew up a NDA and advised me not to actually sign it but sort of imagine signing it, and he even volunteered to pay her off himself – a very special guy! But he actually never sent her the money, and now I’ve been elected, so never mind, that’s business, totally.”

[dc]“A[/dc]s for Trump, I don’t know him , but I he’s a very great man, not a colluder at all, has the best words so long as they’re not written, completely dominates Putin, Xi, McConnell, Un, Pence – all those losers. Mikey says Ryan wanted to run again, but the big guy sent his boy Noons – something like that – over to tell him to get out of town. And Mueller? won’t know what hit him. Sessions? back to sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps.”

dan-embree-17

Then he blurted out, “Without me, the Olympics would have been a disaster!” and hung up.

Dan Embree

Received by the White Hpouse at 5:49 AM EST, 19 April 2018