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Mire of Misspeaking

Friday, 27 July 2018

Dear Mr President,

Congratulations on your new CYA (Clarifying Yesterday’s Answers) Program. Without ever reading 1984 (heard of it even) you showed you knew all about it when you made people who clearly heard you say “would”, instantly believe you had actually said “wouldn’t”.

“When he says ‘Grab’ the WH staff knows he means ‘Grab her by the pussy’” she said. “We hear this all the time, and we know how to react –we get behind a desk.”

Then when Sarah “So-Called-9th-Commandment” Sanders stepped up to declare that your “No” to the question “Is Russia still targeting the US?” really meant “No more questions”, it was clear that she had caught on. “When he says ‘Grab’ the WH staff knows he means ‘Grab her by the pussy’” she said. “We hear this all the time, and we know how to react –we get behind a desk.”

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So your statement that Putin had made you “an incredible offer” to swap 12 Russians for Ambassador McFaul was no problem at all for Kellyanne “Smilin’-Thru” Conway, who deftly trotted out her Oxford English Dictionary on Historical Principles to demonstrate that “incredible” really means “not believable” and that you, “Word-Smith of the West Wing”, were making a joke at Putin’s expense.

But then Sarah “Left-Behind” Sanders seemed to blunder into the Mire of Misspeaking by saying that Putin’s offer was made “in sincerity”. This called for John “Empty-Barrel” Kelly himself to explain that Sarah had recognized Putin’s remark as an ironic jest made “in INsincerity” by the “Kremlin Wise-Cracker”, as his buds call him. Kelly also noted that the press had falsely reported that Sarah had said you would be “announcing your thinking on Russians questioning McFaul” – when she had really said you would be “denouncing more stinking obstruction questions next fall.”

These examples inspired Sean “In-the-Bushes” Spicer to tweet in from Beaver City, Nebraska (pop. 609) – where he has opened a political consulting agency – to explain that “My actual statement that time was ‘This was the largest audience to witness an inauguration IN THIS period,’ meaning between 19 and 21 January, 2017.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:28 AM EST 27 July 2018