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Muslim Broad

Friday, 11 January 2019

Dear Mr President,

11:30 AM. Trump Handler Mick Mulvaney slides into the Oval Office, hands the President a fresh diet Coke, and smiles as he switches off Fox and Friends. “Time for your morning briefing, Mr President.”

“Already? I don’t want to. It’s almost time for Carlson Tucker’s commentary on what that disgraceful Muslim broad said.”

“I believe Tucker is his first name, sir. His father was an ambassador, so he could do that. Tucker’s brother is named Buckley. Classy.”

“Well, it’s still a disgrace what the Muslim broad said. Makes people think I’m not classy. But I’m richer than her and classy Carson Schmucker put together.”

“Try to elevate your diction, sir. Because of that Muslim congresswoman’s remarks, the press is already replaying dozens of your public obscenities – like saying that Hillary got schlonged.”

“Try to elevate your diction, sir. Because of that Muslim congresswoman’s remarks, the press is already replaying dozens of your public obscenities – like saying that Hillary got schlonged.”

“That just means she lost.”

“I wouldn’t do a Kavanaugh ‘Devil’s Triangle’ defense on this one, sir. Too many reporters also grew up in Queens. Just focus on your ratings for the Oval address with your hands clasped on the desk. That was classy. And saying ‘My fellow Americans’. That was straight out of the Presidential Playbook.”

“Really? I never even read it. I guess that proves I’ve got class.”

Mulvaney stares at the floor.

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Unnerved by the silence, the President glances at the single sheet of paper Mulvaney has handed him. “What’s this THBOTUS – a disease?”

“That’s you, sir. New Secret Service codename. To throw the Canadians off. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds more important than POTUS.”

“I’ll tell you what’s important – Project Rushmore! Is Pence still whining about wanting to be carved in right behind me?”

“Yes, but I told him to get lost.”

“What’d he say?”

“Nothing. He just got lost.”

“Good. How many sculptors have applied.”

[dc]“J[/dc]ust one. From New Mexico. Her art is sort of . . . abstract . . . or you might say . . . figurative.”

dan-embree-227

“What’s her name?”

“It used to be Cohen – no relation – but now it’s Judy Chicago. Does pussies.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 8:18 AM EST, 11 January 2019.