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No-Way Nancy

Friday, 4 January 2019

Dear Mr President,

Trixie Gavilan, White House Correspondent of The Western Flicker (“A Protected Species – Get Over It”), filed this exclusive on Thursday.

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Since No-Way Nancy won’t fund a border wall, we’re building a White House wall. Russia will pay for it. Same plan – 30 feet high, shiny steel, topped with razor wire, with firing loops every 25 feet.

On my way onto the White House grounds this morning, I saw a crew with 100-foot tapes and clipboards measuring the White House fence. At first I thought they were raising the fence from 8 feet to 13 feet, as ordered by President Trump in 2017, but that work had already been completed. When I asked what they were doing, they were unresponsive. Their leader wore a trenchcoat and a snap-brim fedora with the brim snapped down. He looked like Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon but taller and with dark glasses and a Groucho Marx mustache – or, better, like Robert Mueller with dark glasses and a Groucho Marx mustache. “No comment,” he explained.

In the press briefing, I asked Sarah Sanders what they were doing. After a long pause, she said, “Since No-Way Nancy won’t fund a border wall, we’re building a White House wall. Russia will pay for it. Same plan – 30 feet high, shiny steel, topped with razor wire, with firing loops every 25 feet. But solid. No transparency. Just like Obama’s or the Pope’s. But you must be talking about something else – maybe illegal teenaged alien terrorists planning a breach – because our measurements are already completed.”

On the way out, I stopped by the desk of the new Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, to ask whether he still thought walls were “simplistic, absurd, and childish”. He scowled. “My perspective has changed since I’ve gotten to know the President. These are relative terms, and relative to the President, hiding behind a wall is complex, logical, and mature. Even terrible human beings are entitled to privacy.”

When I left the White House, the crew was gone. On a hunch I called my contact at the FBI. “Top secret,” he said. “Measuring perimeter. 3500 feet. For special order. Hidden from Whitaker. Called ‘supplies’. Yellow crime tape. No comment.”

Dan Embree

dan-embree-17

Received by the White House at 1:06 AM EST, 3 January 2019