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Dear Mister President: Like Twin Fawns

Dan Embree: “No time for that now, sir. Also not later. You’re needed at once in the Oval Office. There’s an emergency. I’ll explain on the way. Bring that Bible along, will you?”

Friday, 25 January 2019

Dear Mr President,

president pence

Vice President Pence is alone in his office, dozing over a chapter of Leviticus, when there is a hasty knock and the door opens suddenly. Secret Service Agent Maria-Elena Solorzano-y-Guzman enters with a stricken look.

Pence is also stricken. “Please leave, right now. I cannot be found alone with a . . . with a young, nubile, ripe maiden whose breasts are like twin fawns that browse among the lilies . . .”

“No time for that now, sir. Also not later. You’re needed at once in the Oval Office. There’s an emergency. I’ll explain on the way. Bring that Bible along, will you?”

“No time for that now, sir. Also not later. You’re needed at once in the Oval Office. There’s an emergency. I’ll explain on the way. Bring that Bible along, will you?”

“Oh I see! It’s the day I’ve prayed . . . would never come, never, I swear. I must call Mother. And Marlon Bundo, my bunny, must be there.”

“Your mother won’t be needed. And no bunny. You’re a big boy now.”

“Not my mother. Mother, my wife, her real name is . . . I just call her Mother, because I . . . that is, sometimes we . . . pretend that Marlon . . .”

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“Skip all that. Jesus! Get a move on, will you?

“Yes, but send a car down to Immanuel Christian School. She’s teaching kids about the evils of . . . things. You know, like young, nubile, ripe maidens whose breasts are like twin . . . you know . . . and especially the boys who don’t know . . . things . . . yet and need to fear them before they become them . . . and how art . . . the right kind . . . praying cowboys . . . and bunnies . . . can save . . .”

“Try to focus, can’t you, sir? You’re needed to assume an important duty – right now!”

Pence pulls himself erect and assumes the presidential posture he has practiced every morning in expectation of this day. “I will do my duty to God and . . . God and . . . God and . . .”

“Country, you dolt! Come on, the president is waiting.”

[dc]“H[/dc]e is? But is he expected to last? Does he have last words for me?”

dan-embree-227

“What? He wants you to have some words for him. He’s got evangelists on the line, and they’re quizzing him on Bible verses. He’s about run out of ways to say ‘An eye for an eye.’ You’ve just got to stand there and point to the answers.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 4:36 AM EST, 25 January 2019