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Thursday, 18 July 2019

Dear Mr President,

Racist Bone

Bad news, Mr T! At the urging of Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Elijah Cummings, Chair of the House Oversight Committee, has issued a subpoena to the daughters of the late Dr Larry “Bone-Spurs” Braunstein for your complete medical records. Those records, which have already been released to the media, confirm that, contrary to your claims, you in fact have a racist bone in your body. Chairman Cummings says he was not surprised to learn that the racist bone was in your head.

Dr Wolfgang Schädelprüfer said that his examination left no doubt that you suffer from a rare disease that gradually compresses the brain into a smaller and smaller volume.

Dr Wolfgang Schädelprüfer of the Mayo Clinic said that his examination of X-rays and cat-scans left no doubt that you suffer from a rare disease known as hyper-osteo-incrementalitis in which the cranium grows inward, gradually compressing the brain into a smaller and smaller volume. “Thus what is sometimes perceived as a ‘very large brain’ is actually just a very thick skull,” Schädelprüfer said. “The worst of it is that functions normally performed by the brain are taken over by the adjacent bone mass, which is obviously ill-equipped for the task.”

“In Trump’s case, as shown in the accompanying image, the lobes of the brain closest to the bone appear to have been already predisposed to economic and social insecurity, low self-esteem, aversion to authority, sexual fear, and a complete inability to process information,” Schädelprüfer explained. “Exerting pressure on all these lobes is an overdeveloped sociopathic cortex. In other words, Trump’s brain is a grapefruit-sized petri-dish for cultivating racist bacteria.”

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[dc]“I[/dc]t’s not his fault,” he added sympathetically. “He just got some very bad genes.”

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