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Roy Cohn

Friday, 29 March 2019

Dear Mr President,

In the early days of your One-Man-Above-the-Law campaign, you famously asked “Where’s my Roy Cohn?” – invoking the memory of that universally feared and ultimately disbarred attorney who kept you out of trouble in your days as the enfant terrible of Manhattan. I thought it might be useful to review the candidates who didn’t measure up:

  • AG Jeff Sessions who enjoyed your “total confidence” until his recusal revealed him to be “mentally retarded” and a “dumb Southerner” – the very traits you were counting on to save you.

AG Jeff Sessions enjoyed your “total confidence” until his recusal revealed him to be “mentally retarded” and a “dumb Southerner” – the very traits you were counting on to save you.

  • SDNY Attorney Geoffrey Berman, who despite being personally vetted by you, demonstrated the same intellectual incapacity and took the same cowardly way out.
  • Sessions’ replacement Matt “Human Sandbag” Whitaker, who promised to “jump on a grenade” for you, but froze when he saw the grenade. Asked to replace the heads of the SDNY investigation with the recused Berman, Whitaker went to the gym and turned off his cell phone.
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  • Berman’s former law partner Rudy Giuliani who, when brought aboard to make your case daily on TV, unfortunately did.
  • Your personal lawyer Michael Cohen who, in spite of a reputation for Cohn-like streetwise savvy, kept records instead of scalps lying around his office, thus passing quickly from “family” to “rat” – terms that may have unfortunate noir resonance for judges.
  • White House lawyer Don McGahn who twice, righteously (by his account) refused to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, and instead devoted his time to putting judges with conservative values (one plagiarist and one bad drunk) on the Supreme Court.
  • Your most loyal supporter and former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who lamely claimed that he couldn’t fire Mueller because he was not in government.
  • But Bill Barr is your boy, your consigliare, your Cohn! And he’s good at pardons, as he proved in his Iran-Contra days. You’ll still need 7: Jr, Jared, Ivanka, Flynn, Manafort, Stone, and Individual-1.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:25 AM EST, 29 March 2019.