Friday, 27 April 2018
Dear Mr President,
The news that Rudi Giuliani, known in Gatos Gordos County as El Perro que Guarda el Depósito de Chatarra, was joining your legal team and vowing to charm Special Counsel Robert Mueller into dropping his investigation within two weeks, has attracted interest here – especially after Trixie Gavilan, investigative reporter for the Western Flicker (We Peck It to Pieces) published a transcript of the first meeting between Giuliani and Mueller:
G [Flashing big NY smile, mostly teeth]: Howyadoin, howyadoin, Bobbie-boy, goodtaseeya, goodtaseeya. How’s . . . the missus?
M [With dead-level courtesy, official face]: Good afternoon, Mr Giuliani. I am well. Ann is well.
G: Ah, the old days, remember what good times we had?
M: Not really.
G: Well, anyway, here we are, two old tough-guy lawyers with a little PR thing, a situation, misunderstanding really, not a problem, not a problem, we can settle it quietly, donchathink?
M: Actually . . .
G: Here it is, we all know there’s nothin to it, no collusion, as your boys have found out by now, just Trump being what he is, Donnie from Queens, ya know, a deal here, a deal there, a little confusion over the government thing, no harm, people love it, but ya know, if he sits down under oath, he’s just naturally gonna say somethin that’s . . .
M: We have in mind a few hours of very clear questions. You will obviously have figured them out in advance . . .
Well, anyway, here we are, two old tough-guy lawyers with a little PR thing, a situation, misunderstanding really, not a problem, not a problem, we can settle it quietly, donchathink?
G: OK, here’s our deal. Multiple choice. Questions in advance. Matterafact, we’ll help out by writing them ourselves.
M: No thank you. We have our questions.
G: Listen, you get Cohen, the Prague thing, the Stormy thing, pay-offs, bunch of them. Trump knew nothing. He’ll rat Cohen out by tweet. Deal?
M: No. We have all that.
G: Bobbie-boy, whadyawant? You want Pence? He’s dirty. Been dining with women without his wife.
M: Not interested.
G: OK, OK! We’ll give you Kushner. Didn’t like him anyway.
M: Jared? He’s been wearing a wire for months.
Received by the White House at 2:56 AM EST, 26 April 2018