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Pruitt Magic Phone Booth

Saturday, 5 May 2018

Dear Mr President,

The real story behind the disappearance of the EPA security chief started when Scott Pruitt slipped into his Magic Phone Booth to order a secure pizza – the Jumbo Toxic Waste (with Endangered Pronghorn sausage and extra gluten) – and locked himself in. And since he had forgotten the combination for the Emergency Escape Hatch, he had to call Pasquale “Nino” Perrotta (actual name) the chief of his 20-person (really) security detail, who also had a key. But Perrotta was working his other job, heading up security for National Enquirer publisher David Pecker (actual name), whom I believe you know.

Pruitt left a message on Nino’s cell phone, ordering him to return at once “to deal with an eco-terrorist attack involving the theft of my keys. On the double – use the siren and the red . . . “

”The in-box is full.”

Two cops arrived to investigate Pruitt’s abduction, but when they saw the guy that looked like Avenatti, they started chatting him up and laughing.

Pruitt pounded on the door to attract the attention of his staff, but they couldn’t hear him – well, duh, that’s the point – but he could hear them via the hidden microphones that he had installed to keep track of subversion. He looked out through the secret one-way-glass peep-hole and saw his secretary talking to a guy who looked a lot like Michael Avenatti.

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“I was supposed to meet Nino here,” the guy said. “He’s got something to sell about Mr T’s friend Pecker.”

The secretary said something inaudible.

“No,” the guy said. “Pecker the publisher.”

Two cops arrived to investigate Pruitt’s abduction, but when they saw the guy that looked like Avenatti, they started chatting him up and laughing. They wanted the autograph of Stormy Daniels (not actual name), but settled for his and then left with him, having forgotten all about the missing cabinet secretary.

Then the pizza guy arrived and asked for Super Slash, but the secretary said that must be Ryan Zinke on the other side of the Mall. But when the security detail found out it had been charged to the EPA, they said, “What the Hell, that’s us.” So they ate it. Then they went home.

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Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:40 AM EST, 4 May 2018