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Something Fishy

Friday, 21 June 2019

Dear Mr President.

It is 9AM in Oslo. The phone rings in the Agency for the Security of the State and Fish. Duty Officer Aksel Aagaard answers: “Ja?”

A muffled voice says, “This is John Barron, Special Agent of the CIA, the DEA, and the MTA. I’m looking for dirt on Elizabeth Warren.”

“The MTA?”

“Yeah, you know, they never return.”

“Oh Ja, that MTA. Your voice is familiar, but I can’t place your name. Have we met?”

“Doubtful. I’m very secret.”

“Very familiar, actually. I’m sure we must have met, maybe on a kipper smuggling case. What do you look like?”

“185 pounds. Built like a Greek god. Full head of natural blond hair. Very big hands.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell. You say you want dirt? Better try the Agency for Agriculture and Fish.”

“No, not soil. You know, scandal, dark secrets, something fishy.”

“You have a problem with fish?”

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“Listen, we can make a deal. Arms deal? Move your capital? Launder your kopeks? Conquer the Bulgarians?”

“No, no! Not fish! Fish-y. You know, something that is like fish – stinky, repulsive.”

“For sure, you have a problem with fish! This Warren person is a kipper smuggler? We have severe punishments for that.”

“No, not a smuggler. She claims to be an Indian, but she’s blond, so maybe she’s Norwegian.”

“You have a problem with Norwegians?”

“No, no, not at all. I like Norwegians. Even when they sneak in, they fly first class.”

“Norwegians do not sneak. Those are Swedes!”

“So, nothing fis . . . , I mean bad that I can use . . . , I mean report to the FBI?”

“No. You want bad things, go talk to the Swedes.”

“Listen, we can make a deal. Arms deal? Move your capital? Launder your kopeks? Conquer the Bulgarians?”

“No, thanks.”

“Forget it, I’ll go back to the Russians. So long, Fish-breath.”

[dc]“S[/dc]ame to you, Donald.”

dan embree 300

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:09 AM EST, 21 June 2019