Skip to main content
stonewalling kavanaugh investigation

4 October 2018

Dear Mr President,

Good news. The investigation into serial sexual assaults by Brett Kavanaugh is winding up with gratifyingly scant results: the FBI says they have hit a stone wall despite a deal between Mitch McConnell and Don McGahn to restrict it to witnesses who have already been vetted by Chunk Grassley’s staff.

Kellyanne Conway warned against any “fishing expedition” that would expose crimes not already known. “That would be unfair to any nominee who has so far covered up a violent past.”

Kellyanne Conway warned against any “fishing expedition” that would expose crimes not already known. “That would be unfair to any nominee who has so far covered up a violent past.”

“We’ve questioned 85 people between 45 and 75, residents of the greater Washington area in 1982,” said FBI Agent Sam Bassett. “All deny partying with Kavanaugh. Only two had even heard of him, and both said they said they thought he was a choirboy and possibly gay. What’re we supposed to do – track down some ex-jocks named Boof and Shag? Please.”

Scroll to Continue

Recommended Articles

Accused accomplice Mark Judge’s lawyer, Nulla Bona, reported that he was not well. “He’s recovering from acute memory loss at his beach-house. He cannot be disturbed while in comic-book therapy to reconstruct his grip on reality. Since he can’t remember anything anyway, it would be a waste of time.”

McConnell, asked for comment, declared, “Mmrgh thrgmnp pfstm wrxmf!”

Jeff Flake has been haunting Capitol hallways, impressing reporters with his trademark wrinkled brow, signaling that he was “uncomfortable” that the FBI had come up empty. “But they did a sort of investigation, and that has eased my trademark pained conscience.”

Tracked to Wellaway, her cabin near Feuille de Figue, Maine, Susan Collins said that despite stating 17 times in the last eight days that she was “troubled” by the victims’ convincing testimony against Kavanaugh, she would likely vote for his confirmation. “If I vote against him, I’ll lose my Senate seat. Then who will be here to be troubled when future victims come forward? With a second predator on the court, and without me to wring my hands, they’ll be royally screwed. Again.”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 9:38 PM EST, 4 October 2018