Friday, 26 July 2019
Dear Mr President,
On her goodwill visit to the Clint Border Patrol Detention Center, Ivanka is mobbed – not by the inmates, of course, who are kept safely behind the chain-link – but by agents who beg selfies and autographs. She is only too willing to oblige in the service of her country.
After a power-lunch of goat cheese and pecan finger sandwiches at Clint’s Café de Las Prerrogativas with ICE Director Mark Morgan (the guy who can spot which immigrant kids will become MS-13 members by looking into their eyes), Ivanka visits the BP’s Kiddie Kages. “How Kute!” she says.
“What is your name, little machucho?” she asks in her best Spanish.
“Tengo hambre,” he replies.
“What a lovely name, Tango. But I hope you’re not one of those ‘Bad Hambres’ Da-da talks about.”
“What a lovely name, Tango. But I hope you’re not one of those ‘Bad Hambres’ Da-da talks about. Maybe that’s why they’ve had to lock you up,” she adds with a pleasant laugh.
“Hambre,” he repeats.
Sensing the boy’s inability to communicate, she turns to a small girl. “And what about you, my sweet cucaracha?”
“Si, en mi manta espacial.”
Ivanka hurries off to the main event, a reading from her just published Moral Tales for Little Illegals. She reads her story about Juanito, a 6-year-old whose parents successfully evade la migra, find jobs in Fresno, enroll their children in school, pay taxes, and join the Neighborhood Watch. But when Juanito finds out he is illegal, he is ashamed, turns in his parents to ICE, and walks back to Honduras. There he is recognized and stabbed by the gang that forced his family to flee the year before. As he dies, he makes a long speech about the importance of not taking jobs from real Americans by picking their cotton or minding their children. Greatly moved, the bangers pledge to stay home and make Honduras great again.
The children are silent, but their keepers applaud loudly. Ivanka spots her little friend Tango sitting on the concrete and hands him a signed copy. Free.
[dc]“W[/dc]hat do you say?” prods a kindly keeper.
“Hambre,” he says.
Received by the White House at 6:38 AM EST, 26 July 2019.