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Friday, 21 September 2018

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Dear Mr President,

Two a.m. in Washington. Dark and still in the aftermath of the hurricane. But some unquiet souls are awake.

Paul Manafort lies in the upper bunk of his cell in Alexandria: “By cooperating with Mueller, I’m forcing Trump to pardon me. Otherwise I spill the deal with the Russians in Trump Tower, the Ukraine deal at the convention, and his money laundering deals in Kazakhstan. I’ll get to keep all my mansions and my ostrich coat, and the book deal with Pecker will pay off the Russians. Trump has no choice. What a loser!”

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Now that Manafort has flipped, I’ll pardon him and destroy the whole Witch Hunt in one stroke. Then I’ll order Maria Butina freed from federal custody and fly to Moscow with her.

Donald Trump lies in his president-size bed in the West Wing, alone: “Now that Manafort has flipped, I’ll pardon him and the rest of them and destroy the whole Witch Hunt in one stroke. Then I’ll order Maria Butina freed from federal custody and fly to Moscow with her on Air Force One. Kellyanne will write the book I’ve promised Pecker, and I’ll live off the proceeds by the Black Sea. Pence will be left praying over the pieces. What a pious prick!”

Mike Pence paces the halls of the Vice Presidential residence, too excited to sleep: “Now that Manafort is ratting, Trump will pardon him and the others. Even Maria Butina – he thinks she’s hot – and she is! Then he’ll have to flee for obstructing justice. Once he’s in Moscow, impeachment won’t take a day. I’ll let Putin keep Air Force One as a gift from his new best friend. Then Sarah H. will write my book for Pecker. Fortunately, Mueller has never noticed me. What a moron! Oh, and thank you Jesus.”

Robert Mueller leans back in his office chair and stares at the ceiling: “Now that Manafort is talking, Trump will think he has to pardon him to keep me from learning the really bad stuff. Once he figures out I already have it, he’ll flee. When he lands in Moscow, Putin will lock him up in the Ritz with a couple of hookers. Maria Butina will write Trump’s Pecker book to Putin’s order. I’ll subpoena Pence for his part in the cover-up and re-arrest Manafort on the new charges. What predictable clowns!”

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Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:06 AM EST, 21 September 2018