5 April 2019
Dear Mr President,
Trixie Gavilan, European Correspondent of the Western Flicker, following up on your story of your father’s birthplace, filed this report from Frankfurt yesterday.
“It appears that President Trump momentarily confused reporters about his family’s history last week when he referred to his ‘father’s oranges in a very wonderful place in Germany’, thus sending the White House press corps off on a bewildered search for a sunny citrus-growing region north of the Alps. The mystery was only cleared up when a reporter from the Miami Herald heard you order a glass of ‘origin juice’ on the patio at Mar-a-Lago.”
Sarah Sanders replied, ‘There is no truth to the Seattle story whatsoever. And they were called brothels. Top quality.”
“But that left the mystery of the identity of the ‘very wonderful place’, which, despite your description, you appeared not to know. My search of New York City birth records quickly demonstrated that your father, Fred, was born there, and that your reference must have been to your grandfather, Friedrich, who was born in Germany and became the proprietor of a chain of whore-houses in Seattle, and not to your father, proprietor of tenements in Queens and Brooklyn, and who, in contrast to his own father, screwed his customers directly.”
“Reached for clarification at the White House, Sarah Sanders replied, ‘There is no truth to the Seattle story whatsoever. And they were called brothels. Top quality.”
“Further research led me to Scheissloch in Lower Bavaria. But the village Offiziellenaktenheftereinreichenoberleiter (clerk) reacted stiffly to the name Trump and replied: ‘Hier ist Oberscheissloch! Sie mussen nach Unterscheissloch gehen!’ and pointed contemptuously downhill.”
[dc]“I[/dc]n Unterscheissloch, the Burgermeister was more sympathetic, but said he could not help. ‘Ich must sad tidings to you reporten, Fraulein. About before two years haben vee ein bad gluck gesuffert. Ein mysterios fire hat das T kabinett geburnt. Alles ist geblizt. Very sorry. Ich knowe nothing. Bitte, wiedersehen.’”
Received by the White House at 4:38 AM EST, 5 April 2019.