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trump medallions

Friday, 1 June 2018

Dear Mr President,

Most of the guys down at the Retrofit have already ordered their Trump pre-Nobel Singapore medallions for $19.95 – “the same price as for the Winky-Dinky-coffee-grinder-and-potato-slicer-but-wait-there’s-more-5-lbs-of-potatoes-with-the-first-100-orders” – Melba Thumper pointed out.

But rancher Huff Swaggar, was waiting for the price to drop. “At $6.95, they’ll be worthless,” he said, “because no one else will be buying then, after the whole deal has blown up – just a metaphor. Then I’ll buy up the remaining stock and wait for some appropriately nostalgic occasion and make a killing.”

Draining the Swamp: On the Obverse, Trump in pith helmet wrestling an alligator, which resembles Obama. On the reverse, Ross, Munchkin, Kushner, Zinke, Pruitt, and Don Jr lighting cigars with $100 bills.

“How about when Trump is released from Lewisburg, weighing 135 pounds, pushing a walker with a box of Depends attached,” Melba suggested helpfully.

Swaggar ignored her as he always does, except when he wants another cold Machismo – The Beer that tastes like the Old Days.

But that set the crowd to thinking about other medallion possibilities. And they asked me to suggest them to you because they know you take my advice.

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Draining the Swamp: On the Obverse, Trump in pith helmet wrestling an alligator, which resembles Obama. On the reverse, Ross, Munchkin, Kushner, Zinke, Pruitt, and Don Jr lighting cigars with $100 bills.

306 Electoral Votes: Trump (as Roman Emperor with laurel wreathe) standing with foot on Hillary’s back. On reverse, Mark Zuckerberg and Jared Kushner doing high-fives.

No Collusion: On the obverse, Mueller in cuffs. On the reverse, Trump and Putin shaking hands as Alaska is handed back to rightful owners.

“You mean the Aleut and the Tlingit?” asked Melvin Begay. “Who?” asked Lester Gufstason.

The Wall: Sturdy-looking real Americans laying bricks already higher than their heads. A guy with a big mustache and an enormous sombrero looking fearfully over the top.

“Great!” Melba said, “and on the reverse, a sturdy real American Border Patrol officer snatching a sobbing baby from his mother.”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:01 AM EST, 1 June 2018