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Friday, 14 September 2018

Dear Mr President,

Down at the Retrofit the other night, Big Lester Gufstason was all upset because he had been denied his weekly purchase of Spam and Velveeta for lack of an ID. He hasn’t had a driver’s license since drinking a half case of Caceria por las Brujas at the Trumpistoleros picnic on your birthday. And he had to let his Trump-Care card lapse when his main disability – testosterone poisoning – was ruled a pre-existing condition.

“You don’t need an ID to buy crap, Lester,” said Melba Thumper, the barmaid. “It’s very American, after all.”

“No, Prudence at the Magamart checkout said it was a new law to keep illegals from eating. They’re being really careful since two 12-year-old Hondurians escaped from the Many Happy Returns Summer Camp up at Jaulas. They might be headed for the border.”

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Rudy has told everyone to ignore it – like when Trump says that 18 Puerto Ricans died from Hurricane Maria despite being (who knew?) on an island.

“Lester, for pity sake, it’s not a law, just something Trump bleated out at a rally when he got all hyper, or it’s something he tweeted out in the morning before he had his Ovaltine. Rudy has told everyone to ignore it – like when Trump says that 18 Puerto Ricans died from Hurricane Maria despite being (who knew?) on an island, or when he claims that he personally searched the ruins of the Twin Towers on 9-11, or when he says that Aretha Franklin worked for him. It’s just recess on the playground. Forget it.”

But local authority figure Marina Czrk, manager of the Ivanka Used Fashion Boutique and Diaper Service and president of the Gatos Gordos Trumpussierras, leaned over to confirm Lester’s story. “Prudence says they might let purchases of borscht and kipper snacks slide, but definitely no tortillas or chorizo without a picture ID.”

“Anyway, what’s the big deal about a couple Honduran kids trying to leave the country? Isn’t that what the administration wants?”

[dc]“N[/dc]ot until they can be deported as adults,” Marina said. “Another six years of confinement and they’ll understand what our justice system thinks of deported parents who commit misdemeanors.”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:18 AM EST, 14 September 2018