Friday, 4 May 2019
Dear Mr President,
A few pointers as you prepare for your participation in the ceremonies commemorating the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings:
- You have already crashed the party, so make it your own. Announce on the morning of the event that you will be arriving by helicopter, thus scrambling the schedule as the authorities reconfigure the site to accommodate a landing pad. Then arrive a half-hour late.
Order your pilot to buzz the demonstrators who will be gathered outside the two steel barriers that you demanded be erected to keep all members of the public from viewing the event.
- Order your pilot to buzz the demonstrators who will be gathered outside the two steel barriers that you demanded be erected to keep all members of the public from viewing the event. Then deny that you a) demanded the barriers, or b) ordered the buzzing.
- Make your speech about you, inserting all your best rally lines about the military, including: a) “I went to military school, and that’s the same as service”, but threaten the school with a lawsuit if they release your records; b) “I would have made a great general” while doing your best chest-puffing, chin-thrusting Mussolini imitation; c) “I know more than the generals”, perhaps citing the ones (McMaster, Kelly, Mattis, etc) whom you have fired; and d) “I like veterans who don’t get killed” – a sly embellishment on your famous McCain dig, and a safe one because all the veterans who attend the ceremony have demonstrably not been killed.
- Affect a slight limp, trying to remember which was the bone-spurred foot that kept you out of Viet Nam. When reporters ask you about it, brush them off with a reference to “an old wound acting up.”
- I know it’s complicated, but try to remember that on D-Day the Germans were our enemies, but now they are not. This has to do with history, and I don’t have space to explain it.
Above all, do not refer to the Germans as “Nazi swine” because a) Angela Merkel will also be there and her Germans are not “Nazi swine”, and b) your “Nazi swine” are not Germans, but “good people”.
Received by the White House at 1:03 AM EST, 3 May 2019