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Friday, 31 May 2019

Dear Mr President,

The Presidential Bedroom. Two AM. The president slumbers alone:

He dreams that he reaches under the bed and pulls out an antique Russian candlestick shaped like a short mushroom with a small head. On it is inscribed Часы Владимер. “Yacbi Brarhamep” he says slowly. “I must ask Vlad what that means,” though he knows he won’t remember.

He rubs it enthusiastically. In a few moments, a mist rises from the top. He rubs harder. Presently, the mist begins to solidify until it takes the form of a jowly, rotund, and morose 260-lb sprite with gossamer wings that are obviously incapable of lifting either its body or its spirits, clothed in tight-fitting pink silk long-johns and red trunks.

Bet the name of our agent in the Kremlin who spilled the beans on my deal with Vlad. The CIA calls him ‘Beano’, so I think he’s Mexican.

“Tinker Barr!” Trump exclaims. “My personal fairy!”

“I prefer the term ‘genie’ if you don’t mind, Master. What can I do for you?” he sighs sadly. “You have three tinkers.”

“Well, first I want you to tinker with the Mueller Report.”

“Already done, Sir.”

“No, I mean buried. All copies.”

“I’ll see what I can do, My Lord.”

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“Then I want Hillary, Pelosi, Mueller, Comey, and McCabe arrested for treason. Also Biden.”

“No problemo, Effendi. I’ll have a word with McConnell. He’s open to tinkering with the Constitution.”

“Then some heavy tinkering with the heads of those so-called ‘intelligence’ people – you know, I’ve made up a joke: the ‘intelligence’ people aren’t very intelligent people. Get it?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one,” he says with a yawn.

“Really? I just made it up. Anyway, get the name of our agent in the Kremlin who spilled the beans on my deal with Vlad. The CIA calls him ‘Beano’, so I think he’s Mexican.”

“I’m on it, Boss.”

“Then I’ll give him up to Vlad, so he’ll let me off the hook.”

“I can’t help you with that, Chief. The Russians have their own genies – and they don’t allow outside interference. Besides, you’re out of tinkers.”

[dc]“O[/dc]K. But you know, a genie is sort of like a genius. And I’m a very stable . . .”

dan embree 300

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one too. Gotta go.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 1:09 AM, EST, 31 May 2019.