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Trump Toilet Paper

Friday, 30 November 2018

Dear Mr President,

A couple of weeks ago, along with millions of people around the world, I watched a telecast of you ascending the steps to Air Force One with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Like most of those other watchers, I assumed that you were oblivious to the sticking, though the dozens of aides who escorted you to the plane and stood around you as you waited to board could not possibly have missed it. It was a pretty big piece.

Obviously none of them had been brave enough to say, “Excuse me, Mr President, but you’ve got some toilet paper stuck to your shoe.”

In any case, you pretended that no one had seen what everyone had seen. I guess that’s your major strength – your ability to make up and impose on others an obviously false reality. Melania pretends to think you’re faithful. Kelly pretends to think you’re smart. Your “base” pretends to think you’re one of them.

Since then, I’ve been wondering what happened once you disappeared inside the plane. Did some valet whose duties include personal matters – like Hope Hicks, who used to steam your pants (not a metaphor) while you were wearing them – quietly remove your shoe and retreat to the restroom? Or maybe once you sat down and crossed you legs, you spotted the toilet paper and pushed the call button. Either way the public was spared further exposure to this sticky business.

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But maybe you knew it all along and just chose to ignore it, silently imposing silence upon your craven staff and perhaps even enjoying their discomfort.

In any case, you pretended that no one had seen what everyone had seen. I guess that’s your major strength – your ability to make up and impose on others an obviously false reality. Melania pretends to think you’re faithful. Kelly pretends to think you’re smart. Your “base” pretends to think you’re one of them.

It occurs to me now, as all signs point to the imminent conclusion of Mueller’s investigation, that the toilet paper is an apt metaphor for the case he has built up over the last year and a half. Every pundit’s guess is that the evidence is pretty nasty and that it’s stuck fast to you.

But here are some differences: You know what you’ve stepped in. The aides who watched it happen are talking about it. Unfortunately, they’re talking to Mueller. And it isn’t going to wash off.

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Dan Embree

Received by the white House at 5:47 AM EST, 30 November 2018.