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white house chaos

Friday, 9 March 2018

Dear Mr President,

It’s 6:11 AM. A dark hallway in the West Wing. From the living quarters a plump silhouette emerges in a gold velour Rocky Balboa bathrobe, hair like a Puerto Rican marketplace after Maria. He looks about, sees no one. In the Oval, he cannot find the light switch, his desk seems to be gone. He nods at Andrew Jackson, who declines eye contact.

In the dark, he finds the stairway, descends. The kitchen is deserted except for a man in cook’s whites, sitting in front of the oven, his boots propped on the open door. He is eating a cheeseburger. He glances as the intruder, goes on eating.

“Where’s Antoine? I want my breakfast.”

“Qué?”

“Is that my morning cheeseburger?”

“Qué?”

After a minute, he leaves, descends to the basement. Next to the paper-shredder is a door labeled Kushner Real Estate and Pawn. Inside he finds Louie Gambino counting cash.

“Where’s Jared?”

“I told him to scram if he wanted to keep using his knees. He scrammed. Smart guy.”

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“But where is everybody else?

“The Hell would I know? We need to discuss your knees? Close the door on your way out.”

Well, since you wouldn’t fire them, they just quit. Private industry. Investments. Stuff with money. Cabinet too. Zinke’s selling land in Montana, Carson, furniture in California – you may have noticed that the Lincoln Bedroom is empty. Miller’s into loan-sharking.

Elevator’s not working, so he climbs back up to Kelly’s office. It is empty. Same for the others. But watching from a corner is Secret Service Agent Jamie O’Neill.

“Jamie! I’m glad to see you! Where did everybody go?”

“Well, since you wouldn’t fire them, they just quit. Private industry. Investments. Stuff with money. Cabinet too. Zinke’s selling land in Montana, Carson, furniture in California – you may have noticed that the Lincoln Bedroom is empty. Miller’s into loan-sharking.”

“But when? Nobody told me.”

“The last month or so. You were watching TV, and nobody wanted to bother you.”

“Ivanka? She’ll know what to do.”

“For sure. She and Jr got Trump Co in a hostile take-over, calling it I & J Laundry of Malta now. Eric was pissed. But she said you’d understand – it’s running the government like a business.”

[dc]“Y[/dc]ou alone here now?”

dan-embree-17

“Yeah, working for Disney, they bought the place.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 5:50 AM EST, 9 March 2018