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Zero-Intolerance Policy

Friday, 29 June 2018

Dear Mr President,

Back in 1620, just as the Pilgrims were getting out of their rowboats at Plymouth Rock, they were confronted by the armed guards of the Wampanoags who asked for proof of their intentions. The Pilgrims were dumbfounded by this request, since they assumed they would be welcomed as superior beings. They offered a Bible.

“Give me a break,” said Chief Massasoit. “Under our zero-intolerance policy we’ll consider your case for asylum carefully. But that tract on stoning people who plow on the sabbath – that may cut it back in whatever cabinet d’aisance you come from, but not here.”

“Cabin of essence?” said William Bradford. “Wha . . .?”

“Cloaca, johnny, jakes, biffey.”

We’ll bring you the blessings of civilization – gunpowder, mandatory religion (ours), sexual-repression, witch-hunting, and a stock market. Also a dress code – some of your costumes are frankly disgusting.

“Oh! Shithole!” said Bradford, “You’re thinking of Liverpool. We sailed from Southampton.”

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“Whatever. The thing is we know you’re not the best people. You could be murderers and thieves and so much else. The best people are Norwegians. They bring kipper snacks to trade for cranberries. And then they go home.”

“But we are seeking refuge from persecution in our country.”

“Listen, we’re not running a migrant camp here. We know what’s going to happen. You’re going to overrun our land, rape our women, poison us with disease, force our kids into boarding schools where they are forbidden to speak their language, and wipe out our culture.”

“Well, yes, but not right away. Before all that, we’ll bring you the blessings of civilization – gunpowder, mandatory religion (ours), sexual-repression, witch-hunting, and a stock market. Also a dress code – some of your costumes are frankly disgusting.”

“I think that’s what I just said. Nevertheless, we’ll review your case. It’ll take a couple of months. Meanwhile, follow Samoset here, and he’ll show you where to sleep and where to put your stuff. Then Squanto will enroll you in classes to learn how to plant corn and cook sweet potatoes.”

[dc]“T[/dc]he children can stay with us?”

dan-embree-17

“Of course. What do you think we are – savages?”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:20 AM EST, 29 June 2018