Newt the Hoot

molly ivins

Molly Ivins

Newt Gingrich is one of those “lowest common denominator” politicians that litter the pages of American history. Like old Joe McCarthy, he is unable to appeal to the best in his fellow Americans because there is not a heck of a lot of substance there. But all that aside, Newt wants to be the next president of the United States so badly he can hardly contain himself. He’s hell-bent on seizing the nomination at the GOP convention in 2012 – and nothing and NOBODY is going to get in his way. This is gonna be good!


All of the talk this week about the possibility of the government being shut down has reminded many people what a petulant crybaby Gingrich really is. Do you remember the last time that happened? It was back in 1995. Newt was upset with President Clinton for making him sit in the rear of Air Force One during an overseas flight. When he refused to give up his seat at the back of the plane for a white man….

Oh, wait, I’m confusing him with Rosa Parks, I’m sorry….

To make a long story short, Newt was so humiliated at having to sit in the plane’s rear section, when he got back to Washington he literally shut the entire United States government down for a few days. What does that tell you about the former speaker? Between you and me, I would consider a seat anywhere on Air Force One – even the luggage room – to be a great honor. The fact that the seating arrangements were an affront to Newt’s ego speaks volumes about the man’s character. If I were Clinton I would have stuffed the hideous little bastard in the fuselage.

And now he wants to be the “leader of the free world”.

I doesn’t speak well of this republic that a corrupt, self-absorbed little freak like Newt Gingrich has gone as far as he has in politics. It speaks even less of the people of Georgia who sent him to congress for so many terms.

Newt definitely has his base, the “Newtsies” as the late, great Molly Ivins called them. But that does not necessarily translate into enough votes to be elected to the presidency. For a party that has moved so far to the fringes of American politics in the last three decades, a nomination for Gingrich, while improbable, is not impossible. The one thing (and only thing) that can wreck his chances is his personal life. Remember this is the “family values” mob. It doesn’t matter in the least to these jackasses that he is as crooked as they come. What matters is the fact that he’s been married three times. It won’t look very good on his resume. If anything destroys him in the primaries, it will be that.

In spite of these negatives, I hope he gets the nomination . A campaign as brilliantly twisted as that ought to be good for oodles of laughs!

tom deganThe ticket will have to be balanced. Newt is a man, he’s white, he’s smart – and he’s relatively sane. His ideal running mate would be a screamingly crazy black woman who is also dumber than dog shit. Unfortunately for him there are no women of color serving in congress as Republicans. Butterfly McQueen is dead. Their only option is Michele Bachmann. That would be the icing on the freaking cake. Can you even imagine?

Oh, please, fate! Oh, please! Oh, please! Oh, please!

Tom Degan


Who Let the Dogs In? by Molly Ivins

I miss Molly Ivins.

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