Obamacare Is Killing Our Bottom Line

billionairesWe billionaires are delighted that the Supreme Court has begun hearings about that dreadful Obamacare.

As shareholders in all the large insurance companies, we love the Individual mandate. After all, it was our idea, promulgated through the various conservative think-tanks that we sponsor.

But there are a number of features of the so-called “Affordable Care Act” that really get under our bottom line.

For instance, young people can be covered by their parents plush policies until they’re 26. Cossetting the young isn’t going to help them learn that the world is a harsh place. Which is why we want to see them forced to buy one of our $5,000 deductible policies as soon as they graduate high school. Making them pay and pay every month for something they’ll almost never get any benefit out of will teach them about discipline and commitment.

Also, the Act eliminates co-payments for preventative services. Now that’s just $5 or $10 here and there to you people for cancer screenings and immunizations, but if you consider everyone with a policy with one of the companies I own shares of, it really ads up as far as my portfolio is concerned. It’s like taking one of my 47 mansions away from me every year — a loss too great to suffer!

And then there’s the matter of forcing us to insure folks with pre-existing conditions. It’s like buying a box of china that a ham-handed clerk dropped down the escalator before you got to the store. If someone had toenail fungus 25 years ago, they’re likely to be a ticking time bomb as far as insuring their health is concerned. And don’t get me started on the millions of women who suffer from conceptual abdominosis (otherwise known as pregnancy). Their lives and health will be forever changed by that condition, so why should we have to foot the bill?

And finally, there’s the matter of eliminating lifetime caps in coverage. Those caps were a way of letting sick people know that they’d spent enough time on the insurance company teat and it was time to stop fighting or just start paying.

Considering that 60% of bankruptcies have been medical in nature, just think what kind of effect this law is going to have on the mortgage industry. Bear in mind that we have shares in all the big banks too. That extra $35,000 you incurred from your bout with colorectal cancer is the medical bankruptcy that allowed us to foreclose on you and then sell that house to someone else (our beloved “Have our cake and eat it” dictum).

We are fairly confident that the Supremes will manage to drive a stake into this turkey so we can all return to the good old Wild West of health insurance. Astronomically higher rates, larger co-payments, us selling policies across state lines from the states with the least regulation, an end to Medicaid (make those poor folks pony up like the rest of you!) — it’s a rosy future for the billionaires.

clifford felonious ax tasnerAnd we’re confident that after November’s election, when all of the branches of government are in our corner, a President Romney will eagerly sign a new Individual mandate into law, only one that doesn’t come coupled with all these profit-killing measures.

And if you feel sick, you should try my medical regimen. Every morning, my personal physician grinds up the thyroid gland of an endangered species of pygmy antelope and injects it into my gluteus maximus. I feel even better for knowing that an adorable, doe-eyed creature had to die so that I can continue to feel vigorous and invulnerable.

Clifford J. Tasner
(aka Felonius Ax, Minister of Musical Manipulation, The Billionaires)

Republished with the author’s permission from Huffington Post.


  1. VWNate1 says

    Thank  you for your humorous and true , article .

     I see it has touched the nerves of the for hire trolls . GOOD ! .

    My health is O.K. and I’ve had my nose hard against the grindstone for nearly 50 years now so I’m getting what I worked for and I think the new health plan deserves a chance , even though I’ll  never be eligible .


  2. Hwood007 says

    The satire is just the best, makes me wonder what he really thnks?  Is he paying for the medical costs of another perosn out of his pocket, I am.  My youngest child, a 38 year old male, has no insurance of his own. Works in fast food.  Goes to a tech shool to study pharnacy tech, I pay, and he then he discovers he does not want that job ( they test for things he says).  I pay for his dental fees, and when he goes to my doctor.  He just has not planned his life at all, he has not thought ahead.  He would fit in well with the group that wants more benefits but do not want to “put their nose to the grind stone” as others have done.  It is possible to plan and work in our youth to allow us to retire sometime, but he has not done any of that.

    • JoeWeinstein says

      You’re right.  In the case of your 38-yr-old youngest, you needed insurance against a bad result of your parenting, but apparently you just couldn’t manage to plan for that insurance or anyhow to get it.  Maybe they did initially have insurance for you but then took one look at your pre-existing conditions.  (Of course, maybe you haven’t told us the whole story.  Maybe you really tried hard to live in other industrial countries where health-care insurance is not employment-linked, or maybe you’ve counseled your son to move to such a country.)  Anyhow I sympathize on account of the dental fees you are paying likely because of the effect of all that fast food on his teeth.  And I too wish that he could plan ahead so that he could retire and thereby be enabled to write comments like yours. 

  3. Ryder says

    This is just silly.  “People not profits”?   Profits is what MADE healthcare… the whole of medical technology.  Were the “people not profits” getting their way, there would be no modern medicine for them at all.

    You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

    America is *the* powerhouse of medical development, exporting our medical knowledge and technology across the globe.  We are the supplier of health.

    This is the case, BECAUSE we have markets that drive it all.  Each year, US researchers win more Nobel prizes in medicine that ALL OTHER COUNTRIES COMBINED.

    The work of keeping the world healthy happens here for a reason.  It’s too bad this author and so many that live in the US simply don’t get it, and don’t know what they have to lose.

    • JoeWeinstein says

      You’re right, ‘this’ IS just silly.  Properly speaking, ‘this’ means not only discussions on ‘Obamacare’ but the entire notion that the essence of ‘healthcare’ is what is now getting ‘insured’ (i.e. prepaid) by ‘healthcare insurance’. 

      Yes, the USA has contributed importantly to world health, but most of that contribution lies well back in the past and has little or nothing to do with most present-day med–research let alone Nobel Prizes or present-day (or even historic) profits. 

      The big contributions have been in public health, and in societal standards for hygiene and clean water and the like.  By and large, your health is likely to be good if your everyday community maintains high public health standards, educates for them, and has internalized the appropriate attitudes.  If your community does not do so, heaven help you no matter how advanced your personally available technology might be.   

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