Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) today announced that he will fast-track emergency legislation funding mandatory “Bleach-Waterboarding-for-All,” as jointly invented by President Donald Trump and former Vice President Dick Cheney.
“But this wonderful bleach-waterboarding program marks a critical step toward re-opening our country with cleaner lungs than anyone has ever imagined.”
McConnell touted the program as an “amazing COVID-19 miracle cure” and "the quickest way to re-start American business."
At a joint press conference, Trump and Cheney emphasized the “revolutionary nature” of this new medical technique.
“It’s really quite simple,” said Cheney, who served as Vice President under George W. Bush from 2001 to 2009. “We simply strap our citizens to boards and dunk their heads backwards into a pool of bleach. As President Trump has so astutely recommended, the bleach will fill their lungs and cure them of the virus.”
Cheney emphasized that the treatment will be mandatory for all citizens who wish to work, shop or do other business in public places. “This technique has been carefully researched at our advanced medical facilities in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib,” Cheney said. “Those who have administered the tests find them quite enjoyable.”
President Trump thanked the former vice president for “coming out of retirement to help advance this amazing cure for a horrible Pandemic entirely caused by the Chinese and the Democrats and their fraudulent voters.” Bleach-waterboarding, he added, will “enhance our already perfect response to the virus.”
Trump emphasized that the federal government will cover all costs for treating anyone caught out on the streets or highways, including illegal immigrants, who may be held in the bleach pool for slightly longer than American citizens. “As a service to the public, Dick and I will be taking only a small fee for each treatment,” Trump said.
Trump defended the fee as “a reasonable compensation” for his failed personal investments in hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug he previously touted as a cure for coronavirus, but which proved damaging and ineffectual.
Trump added that as an additional bonus to accompany the bleach-waterboarding treatments, special patented “Trump-Cheney Protective Goggles” will be available for a small co-pay. “These goggles will cut inadvertent blindings by at least half,” said Trump. “It’s an ideal way to re-open the economy.”
McConnell agreed. “I will continue to oppose universal health care,” said the Majority Leader. “But this wonderful bleach-waterboarding program marks a critical step toward re-opening our country with cleaner lungs than anyone has ever imagined.”