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Most of us were never taught in school that European immigrants—priests and preachers and other generous donors—often gave blankets to Native American communities to promote peace and goodwill. Blankets that sometimes were intentionally infected with smallpox. If God chose to kill off hundreds of thousands, even millions, of “savages,” those sinners had no one to blame but themselves. Many Christians today were never taught this well-documented history and yet seem to understand the process instinctively.

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They refuse to release approved funding to Native American communities dealing with the coronavirus. They supply them with malfunctioning equipment or items they haven’t requested instead of the supplies they need. Some people even point their fingers and say, “If you don’t like it here, go back to your own country.” Specifics of our long tradition of hatred may not be widely taught, but hate itself is taught in America every day—by the most righteous among us.

Above all else, we must preserve Wall Street because or we’ll never be able to enter heaven when we die. If some poor people die, or ignorant workers, or Native American heathens, who are we to tell God how to do his job?

We teach in school and at church and in the media that we can’t provide universal healthcare to our citizens because doing so would be immoral. We’ve provided people with decent jobs so they can pay for their own healthcare. If those jobs are in crowded meat processing plants where they must work next to hundreds of coworkers infected with COVID, that’s hardly our fault. God clearly established capitalism in the New Testament as the only humane way to run a society. Jesus spoke of it frequently, as did John the Beloved. It was Judas who spoke all the time about socialism. We bear no responsibility for handing out disease-infected jobs to the poor.

It’s not like we hate the lazy and weak. Every day on TV, we announce our gratitude for grocery store cashiers, for Amazon warehouse workers, for bus drivers, for certified nursing assistants. They’re our heroes. We do flyovers to thank them. It’s not our fault if their employers don’t make their workplaces safer. Just because we wash our hands of the problem and don’t demand safety measures.

Besides, this “pandemic” is way overblown. It’s clearly a plot to make Trump look bad. We all know that Democrats are part of the Deep State. Nancy Pelosi waving a flag looks like a vampire holding a cross. AOC goes to fancy hair salons. These people control the lamestream media that keep telling lies. Yes, some old, decrepit patients are dying a few weeks early, but Democrats are using inflated death tolls to hurt the middle class. The fact that tens of thousands of people are dying in other countries around the world, even in places like Brazil and Russia that are controlled by strong leaders, just shows the depths to which Democrats will go to hurt America.

Atheists are praying for people to die.

Of course, it’s all China’s fault.

Though the disease isn’t very serious.

But those people eat bats. And chickens. And dogs.

They eat dogs in Vietnam, too, and South Korea. And in Switzerland. The Swiss even eat cats.

Asians are so disgusting.

Trump is the greatest president we’ve ever had. It’s not his fault he threw out the National Security Council’s pandemic response handbook that had been written during Obama’s presidency. Barack Hussein wasn’t even American, not even Christian. It’s not Trump’s fault he was forced to fire scientists and appoint political friends to lead the agencies we need during a pandemic. Scientists are godless. The whole reason we’re being punished with all this suffering and death in the first place is because so many liberals have turned away from God.

Not that there’s much death and misery actually going around. No more than usual with the seasonal flu. That can be cured pretty easily with Jim Bakker’s silver solution or by injecting ourselves with UV light. If worse comes to worst, we can always let Kenneth Copeland blow on us.

It’s all Hillary’s fault, anyway. She should be in prison.

And everyone knows this fake “crisis” was the idea of a commie Jew to prevent Donald Trump from holding rallies. He’s in cahoots with Pocahontas. Bill Gates just wants to implant chips in everyone to track us. That’s why we need the government to monitor everybody’s emails.

Because Big Government must be brought to its knees. And we should be the ones to do it, not China or Canada or Germany, because no one understands that our political system is the absolute best in the world more than we do.

“COVID-19 or COVID-1984!”

“Scamdemic!”

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“Give me liberty or give me COVID-19!”

“Let my people golf!”

Even though we try hard to be loving, caring Christians, when we see reporters covering our protests—protests we’re entitled to because of the First Amendment—we can’t help but yell and curse them when they arrive wearing masks. How disrespectful! Trump should just shut down all those lefty organizations that keep spreading so much fake news. It’s their fault there’s such division in our society. We’re patriots when we rip masks off stupid people or push them into ponds or cough on them or wipe our noses on their sleeves. We’re really justified in doing pretty much anything we want because these infidels are deliberately hurting America. They’re traitors who must pay for their treason.

Why else would we bring Confederate flags to our rallies?

“If ballots don’t free us, bullets will!”

“No Room for Fascists!”

It’s intellectually dishonest for Democrats to suggest the swastikas on our signs represent us. When we wear KKK hoods at a rally, we’re making a point about you.

Democrats are making the virus political. Just when we thought they couldn’t get any more despicable, they use photos of mass graves to try to manipulate people.

Thank God those are just bodies of dead crisis actors.

So we’d better go out and buy some more guns. We may have to eat our neighbors.

The Constitution gives us the right to go into any store we want without a mask. The same way business owners have every right to put up signs declaring “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” The same way bakers can turn away degenerate gays. If perverts want to buy a wedding cake, they have the right to go somewhere else. We believe in freedom of religion. People we refuse to serve have the God-given right to leave us alone.

But we demand the same freedom in return. By definition, Christians can’t discriminate. Yet those corrupt Democratic governors won’t even let us go to church. That alone proves they’re secretly Satan worshippers, which we’ve suspected all along. We should be able to gather with all our loved ones, sit next to each other for hours singing and praising God, which we can’t possibly be expected to do at home as a family. We should be able to go to work without masks, fire our employees who arrive wearing the offensive things, turn away customers who try to come into our businesses wearing such infernal objects. It’s a plot to let black people rob our stores, a plot to make everyone wear burqas. As law-abiding citizens, we should be able to go into any workplace or business we want without wearing masks.

Everyone’s trying to make us follow goddamn rules all the time! We’re supposed to be “PC” and not kill anyone. We simply won’t have it!

We’ll make the rules.

And those rules are that Trump is always right. Democrats are always wrong. Scientists and doctors are usually wrong, unless they agree with Trump. This isn’t rocket science, after all. Above all else, we must preserve Wall Street because without it, we’ll never be able to enter heaven when we die. If some poor people die, or ignorant workers, or Native American heathens, who are we to tell God how to do his job?

We’re Christians. We put God first. He took this land from Tonto and gave it to us because we deserve it. We must do everything we can to avoid worshipping the anti-Christ. No mark of the Beast on our foreheads. That’s why we proudly wear our red baseball caps made in China proclaiming “Make America Great Again.”

It’s sad, isn’t it? Truly, genuinely sad, that everyone else is so terribly deluded. But we’re not spiteful. All that we do is guided by love. So we are more than happy, always, to send everyone heading to the mortuary our sincerest thoughts and prayers.

Johnny Townsend

Johnny Townsend