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Friday, 18 November 2017

Dear Mr. President

I’ve been thinking about the Roy Moore problem – not the Republicans’ problem of weighing the interests of the Koch brothers (one more vote in the Senate for millions in tax breaks for Charles and David, a tiny proportion of which will be passed down to their vassals in the Senate), versus the interests of parents who don’t want their teenage daughters fondled by prospective senators, which is not a real question anyway having been already decided in favor of the greater good for the greater number of upper-middleclass parents who have been promised lower taxes in the unlikely event that they become millionaires and whose daughters are not at all likely to be fondled by teen-predators who choose their victims by economic vulnerability as well as breast size – no not that Roy Moore problem, but your Roy Moore problem, actually a couple of them, such as:

attorney general chris christie
  • A, he defied your wishes by running with Steve Bannon’s support instead of yours, and you need to put Bannon in his place, never mind Moore, and
  • B, Ivanka has said that “there’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children”, and you need to close down that line of thought before she remembers that, technically, contestants in the Miss Teenage Universe pageant were children, and I’m sure you know how difficult she can get when her mind drifts off the new Ivanka Trump Sequined Shimmer Milano Knit dress, $1495 plus shipping, and starts to focus on wider issues, like how her relatives (all of them) are wrecking the country.
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So I have a few ideas:

PLAN A: (I saw this one on the news, so it’s a bit prosaic.) Jeff Sessions runs as a write-in candidate against Moore and the Democrat whose name nobody remembers and beats them both; OR loses to Moore, but then the Senate refuses to seat Moore on the grounds that he is a loser, just look at all the teenage girls who turned him down. Either way, you’re rid of Moore AND Sessions. Then you appoint Chris Christie Attorney General because he is so discredited that he will never move against you.

PLAN B: You order Sessions to investigate Moore’s accusers. Then you tell Moore that the handwriting in the high-school yearbook proved to be a forgery by his opponent Luther Strange, and that if he withdraws from the race, you will exonerate him and appoint him Ambassador to Polynesia (where there are lots of teenage girls). After he withdraws, you tell him that Polynesia is not a country.


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 12:57 AM EST, 17 November 2017