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bump stocks

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Dear Mr. President,

Out here in Gatos Gordos County, New Mexico, we take a keen interest in protecting our right to kill things under the Second Amendment. So we are paying close attention to your continuing investigation into bump stocks, which you announced on 5 October you would complete “in a short period of time”.

In case you’ve not got very far into your investigation, bump stocks are clever after-market devices that turn semi-automatic rifles into machine guns with rates of fire up to 800 rounds per minute just like the Framers intended.

Because we’ve heard that a few wacky members of Congress have said that bump stocks are only useful for killing people in crowds, we would like to add a few insights into their peaceful uses.

We’re expecting a comprehensive explanation any day now, since you told Time Magazine back in May what a quick study you are, having “in a short period of time understood everything there was to know about health care,” – a claim that you clarified by adding, “You have to know your subject, and that would be the misconception of misconceptions for that.”

Right.

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Anyway, though most of us had never heard of bump stocks before that unfortunate accident in Las Vegas, we were really impressed by their performance there (wow! 58 kills in 9 minutes!), and now, even though they’ve doubled in price, everyone wants to have a couple, and thanks to the liberal gun laws of New Mexico (liberal not in the progressive sense, of course, but in the sense of not having any fussy restrictions on our liberty), we can have as many as we want and, with a permit, carry them attached to semi-automatic rifles concealed under our raincoats or in violin cases or whatever. They cannot be carried loaded, however, so we have to wait until we reach the place where we are going to kill things to do that. But if it’s a restaurant or a school or a country-music concert, no one would do that because it’s illegal, so no problem.

Because we’ve heard that a few wacky members of Congress have said that bump stocks are only useful for killing people in crowds, we would like to add a few insights into their peaceful uses:

– The tedium of counting holes in targets and measuring distances to the bullseye is eliminated because there will be no bullseye remaining and in fact no target.

– Aiming becomes a matter of negligible importance. This makes hunting available to people with poor hand-eye coordination, tremors, or total blindness.

dan-embree-17

– Hunters who kill animals with bump-stock-fitted weapons do not have an additional butchering cost.

 Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:35 AM EST, 15 November 2017