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Revolutionary War patriots, leather Snoopy helmets replacing three-sided cocked hats, carrying powder horn and musket while wearing flowing flying scarf -- to, ah, take-over all the airports? As in Hessian International, Y-Doodle Aerodrome, and the One-if-by-Land Tower at Valley Forge Field?

capturing airports

After our singularly unique president and distractor-in-chief came up with that one, well, like you, it took a while to get our rolled-back eyes working again. Then we realized none of us can assume anything these days.

For those who need it -- especially the one who (we all know) does not read anything, and therefore desperately needs Reality Orientation 101 -- we offer a brief chronological history of how humans came to engage in aerial warfare.

For those who need it -- especially the one who (we all know) does not read anything, and therefore desperately needs Reality Orientation 101 -- we offer a brief chronological history of how humans came to engage in aerial warfare. Of necessity, it is designed for the historically challenged (for the one who so woefully exhibits that trait, anyway).

Thus we review things, as simplistically as possible, through the time of the American Revolution... and a necessary bit after. Simply. In the hope he can understand it.

Humans and Aerial Warfare, A Primer

1) throw rock through air; first good rock-thrower becomes dominant in tribe.

2) throw sharpened stick (i.e., rudimentary spear) through air; first good stick-thrower becomes dominant in tribe; practice continues in track & field.

3) affix rock to stick before throwing through air; first good club-thrower becomes dominant in tribe; practice continues in Scottish Highland Games.

4) discover fire to help make sharp rock (will use fire again later).

5) affix sharpened rock to stick before throwing through air (proper spear); first good spear-thrower becomes dominant in tribe.

6) use animal sinew to make spear-throwing lever. Name it atlatl. First atlatl hunter becomes dominant in tribe; PETA is born to oppose exploitation of animal sinew.

7) affix animal sinew string to both ends of green flexible stick; makes bow to send smaller sharpened stick through air farther and faster; first bow hunter becomes dominant in tribe.

8) wrap animal sinew on portion of stick before attaching bowstring; adds energy to sharpened stick to go even farther through air.

9) affix sharpened rock to small sharpened stick; put feathers on other end; makes good arrow to launch from bow; first arrow-point hunter becomes dominant in tribe. First biologist founds Audubon Society to document threatened bird species killed for arrow feathers.

10) first politician forms large ranks of spear-throwers and arrow-shooters to point in same direction and rain death from sky.

11) first chemist mixes sulfur, saltpeter, and charcoal; makes big scarey flash in air.

12) first engineer puts lid on pot of above concoction; makes big scarey bang, throws lid in air.

13) first visionary puts concoction in pot, open end down; makes rocket.

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14) first subversive uses animal sinew, wraps hollow log packed with concoction; throws rocks through air; sometimes log blows-up and ruins day.

15) first blacksmith makes hollow log from metal; reduces chance of blowing-up and ruining day; reliably ruins somone else's day.

16) first General renames flash-bang concoction "gunpowder" to use in metal log.

17) first mass-murderer propels metal bits from metal log faster than animal/bird/person can run.

18) first gun nut makes metal log small to carry and hide; still throws metal bit through air faster than animal/bird/person can run.

19) first megalomaniac puts big metal log on wheels; rains death through somebody else's sky.

20) second megalomaniac puts rocket on wheels to do more of same.

21) third megalomaniac puts big metal log and rocket on boat to rain death through air from water.

22) first lawyer-poet, defying stereotype of both, writes national anthem about rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air, regarding things launched from metal log on boat (three-plus decades after American Revolution).

23) first destroyer of breathable air invents internal combustion engine more than 100 years after American Revolution, and waits (see "discovering fire").

24) first airplane inventor flies in 1903, one-hundred-twenty-seven years after Redcoat/Hessian/Fourth-of-July affair, and waits (see "discovering fire").

25) internal combustion engine on airplane; gunpowder in pot drops through air from somebody else's sky; 125+ years to 243 years, and counting, after American Revolution.

26) airport built to load pot of gunpowder and refuel internal combustion engine with noxious petroleum; becomes target of destruction -- or capture -- 125+ years to 243 years, and counting, after American Revolution.

27) gunpowder in pot re-named "blockbuster bomb" and put on 1,000+ airplanes; loudly rains death on industrial scale through air from somebody else's sky.

28) second chemist replaces gunpowder in rocket to carry bigger bomb farther; rains death on industrial scale from far above other people's sky.

29) bombs bursting in air re-named "drones"; quietly rain death from other people's sky.

30) Celebration of America goes back to Make Gunpowder in Pot Great Again (with opening on pot pointed down); makes big firework spectacle 243 years after colonists could not capture airports that weren't there for another 125+ years; event self-gratifies bloviating orange egotist on lawn full of tanks with hollow logs in turrets -- beneath obscuring curtains of rain, raining from sky. Most of tribe stays in cave, having more sense than to go out in rain.

Certainly we could have recognized that island-hopping campaigns in the Pacific of World War II were all about capturing airfields. But that's too second semester for the Commander-in-Tweet.

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Larry Wines