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Dear King George III:

Congress Writes Iran

We are 45% of the voting members of the Continental Congress. But please don't focus on that percentage. Because we don't.

It's been a little while since you heard from us with that "When in the course of human events" thing. Since then, you're really only hearing from George Washington. And that's why we're writing, now.

You may think that ruining your hired Hessians' Christmas dinner and routing your Gentleman Johnny Burgoyne and stopping your big army coming down from Canada are the kind of things that are going to decide this.

Think again. Anything George Washington "decides" on the field still must be ratified - by us, the Continental Congress. So when your armies hand-over their flags and your troops lay down their muskets and your generals give-up their swords, don't think that's the last word. Nope. We are. All that other stuff is just an "executive agreement." And we can refuse to accept it, or send another general to undo it anytime we want.

And when General Washington and that wrinkly old Ben Franklin got the Marquis de Layfayette and the French army and navy to come-in on our side?

Well, heads could roll over that, any time we decide.

Because, seriously, we only want the French around when we can use their military to help us or buy something from them ridiculously cheap. (Just wait and see: we'll make sure we write them out of this, and for good measure, we'll even vilify them in some colorfully ridiculous way.)

Y'see, the head guy from that little place where they're always fighting - where was it, that place - oh yes, Jamaica - well, that guy, Jamaica Mon, came to talk to us, and he doesn't much like you. Never mind that his little country was established by pirates who appropriated it from the people who lived there and subjugated them. Hey, you're the British Empire. You took India. You know how it's done.

So now it seems that his keeping everybody subjugated sucks money from everybody else because nobody can make enough to pay for it. You know. We're doing that to you now. And even when you're a mouse that roared, like his little no-longer-rich ex-kingdom, the same thing applies.

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There isn't much left of his former capital city, Cape Royal, because most of it fell in the ocean or something. We are not sure, because that involves science, and we take great pains not to know any.

There isn't much left of his former capital city, Cape Royal, because most of it fell in the ocean or something. We are not sure, because that involves science, and we take great pains not to know any.

We don't know much history, either, but we enjoy a good storyteller. Rupert the Story Man is just the best. So creative! Have you ever heard the "The Fox with a Tale but no Tail"-? When all this is over, we'll have him tell it to you. He'll probably even work you into it somehow. He does that with everybody. He doesn't want anybody to feel left-out. Particularly when he can stir up a good war by featuring somebody who was never in it before.

If nothing else, he can help your popularity by making somebody else a scapegoat for everybody to hate. So you can probably use him. Especially if this doesn't go well for you. Except he may not be available. We may get the funding to sign him again, full time.

Anyway, back to the guy from Jamaica, Prime Minister Jamaica Mon. He really made us care a lot by blaming everything on you. He sounded just like Rupert's Fox Tale. JUST like it.

He really knows how to pull at the heart strings of the well-regulated militiamen. Especially the ones who don't want to be well-regulated. Seems his most pugilistic backers have a rough time getting stockpiles of weapons that exceed every other little place in their region. Enough to keep everybody else under the gun, while his backers colonize everybody's sparse lands.


The real show-stopper for us was, after their big, rich headquarters was destroyed? They have, like, this one wall that's left, where they go to feel bad about their wealthy city being destroyed, and feel good about oppressing all the other locals who had nothing to do with it. And that's where their guy came from to talk to us. Right off the wall.

Well, we've rambled on a bit here. But it seemed we needed to take a little time to get chummy. You know, let you get to know us, so this wasn't a throw-you-down, wham-bam, thank-you-ma'am thing. Because even though we don't like you, we are perfectly fine with using you to show George Washington who is really in charge here. (Hey, you already knew that we are okay with screwing our allies in the war against you, aren't we?)

So don't think you can negotiate any peace treaties with George Washington. Because we're perfectly willing to get into another war rather than make him look good.


The Continental Congress*

* - 45% thereof.

Larry Wines