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Have you gone off eating at your favorite Chinese restaurant yet? Are you sufficiently terrified of the Corona virus to have switched from Mexican beer to Coors? Maybe you shouldn't touch your screen while reading this column. I'm writing it sitting in a Chinese buffet in the largely Asian San Gabriel Valley.

corona virus

In the rightwing blogosphere, the word is out that Corona virus is really just a false flag conspiracy. The point of the conspiracy is to conceal the truth—that the Donald's tariffs and trade-stalling policies are causing the Chinese economy to crash. Trumpanzees climbing every antenna tower in the Wall St. jungle want us to 'know' that the Donald's policies are working, and worldwide scientists and economists are faking a pandemic risk to conceal the truth of the Donald's success.

Are you sufficiently terrified of the Corona virus to have switched from Mexican beer to Coors? Maybe you shouldn't touch your screen while reading this column.

I'm skeptical. But the concept certainly sponsors other thoughts of conspiracies and ideas for plans with way more actual public benefit. The Donald is famously a germophobe. His love of McDonalds' "food" is based as much in its imagined sterile character, always wrapped up, as in its grease content. The Donald apparently has never been told that each burger is actually assembled by human hands before being wrapped in sterile paper.

So here's my plan. Let's get someone to infect the Donald with Corona virus. First, since symbolism is so much more important than substance to the Republican base, how wonderful would it be for the Mexico-bashing wannabee king to be struck down by a virus named using the Spanish word for "crown"? It would surely be the crowning achievement of his presidency.

And this plan involves no complex planning or resources to pull off, no Jason Bourne super soldier training or Tom Cruise wire gags. Just reliance on the everyday conduct of those who 'know' that their natural superiority exempts them from such things as law and science. Any White House visitor, but preferably one going to an Oval Office meeting, could deliver an unplanned, unexpected sneeze full of virus spores.

A member of the press could drop a used tissue into a wastebasket near an HVAC vent. The trick here would be to infect a member of Fox News, or Breitbart, or any other alt-white "journalistic" establishment. So when the Donald issues an executive order barring the "liberal media" from the White House as a "health safety" measure, but allowing the alt-white media to continue worshipping him, it will be one of his own acolytes earning the credit for the infection.

Will Billious Barr then prosecute the offending alt-white journalist for treason for attempting (and perhaps succeeding) to assassinate the president? If the Donald succumbs to the virus, Judge Pirro and Judge Napolitano can fill Fox with debates about whether U.S. law can punish deicide. Would the John Roberts Supreme Court hold deicide to be a protected exercise of sincerely held religious belief?

No one really needs to enlist either the "liberal media" or the alt-white pundits in any plot to give the Donald the Corona virus. The banality of politics is that it is very much like everyday life in its details. Any infected Secret Service agent, any office secretary, or White House janitor can spread the virus around the halls at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Completely by accident.

Sneeze once, then use your desk 'phone to call personnel to tell them you're going home, and the replacement worker who picks up the same 'phone to announce that they're in place becomes a disease vector.

How about the guys who deliver copy paper to the White House loading dock, or fresh food to the White House kitchen? Will Baron's private tutor or playmates hand off one virus spore or a billion? The Donald's 'Karl Rove,' Stephen Miller could bring the virus back with him from his recent honeymoon.

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The easiest protection against the Corona virus is to keep it out of the country. If we can build a wall to keep out big, burly beaners, then surely we're up to building a wall to block itsy bitsy junk smaller than cells?! All we really need is to take a few $Billion more from the Pentagon (maybe from their germ warfare planners?) and transfer it to the corporate donor construction companies who are already getting the wall building contracts.

But this week, the Donald announced that he's going to admit 50% more foreign workers for seasonal employment this year than last year, to fill positions as golf course laborers and resort housekeepers. It seems that too many American workers either don't want the jobs at all, or at least demand that they actually receive pay for doing the work. So we'll bring in foreign workers, trusting in their promises that they have had no exposure to any foreign viruses.

What about all those ISIS and al Qaeda cell terrorists that we've been told lurk around the border, mingling with would-be immigrants? Why won't they infect the seasonal laborers to get Corona virus into the U.S.? There are a few clear answers in White House thinking: First, all those terrorists are infiltrating the gangs of immigrants at the border. So they'll never get mixed up with seasonal workers recruited further inland; Second, they're all religious fundamentalists, therefore, as dumb about science as Southern Baptists, and incapable of planning an attack using diseases instead of bombs; Third, you're supposed to have stopped thinking about them, now that our press releases have moved past putting little brown children in cages.

One of the things that we don't need for sure is any more silly globalist cooperation with other nations. The Donald has closed down America's pandemic planning and research operation that coordinated with foreign governments. It was part of the National Security Council deep state operations. Had to drain that deep state swamp.

We don't want any damn foreign diseases in our grate nation, any more than we want foreign workers (except seasonal ones). So as part of Making America Grate Again, we have reduced cooperation with foreign government disease researchers, just as we are reducing cooperation between British and American intelligence operations. Dr. Spock can no longer talk to Dr. Who, just like James Bond and Felix Leiter can no longer work together.

The Corona virus outbreak became public in December of last year. So the Donald's administration planners have known about it for a while. With that knowledge, the Donald's next federal budget proposal, released in February, calls for spending reductions for the Center for Disease Control ("CDC") and the National Institutes of Health ("NIH"). Those organizations do "science," and we all know how Republicans feel about science.

And while we'll be cutting back on CDC research, the Donald also proposes cutting back on Medicare and Medicaid, to ensure that people who get the virus won't get the treatment.

During his Wednesday afternoon press conference, the Donald told us that he's appointing Mike Pence to run our Corona virus effort. Grate. Mike Pence, "christian scientist," who, along with Mike Pomposo, wants to bring about Armageddon! Could Corona virus be the Pestilence the bible promises us? How can we give it grater effect?

As a show of his munificence, the Donald announced that he will allow U.S. citizens who caught the virus overseas to be allowed to return to their own home country - where they are citizens. But they will have to remain in quarantine. Since they are mostly white and wealthy enough to travel, their quarantines will be of a different sort from the cages holding brown children. But still, he's only letting them come back home as a show of his kindness. Not because they have any legal rights that he has to recognize.

Now we have troops in Korea coming down with Corona virus. We don't know yet whether the grate orange munificence will allow them to return home. Soldiers are generally young, powerless, and as Phil Ochs wrote, "so eager to go and die upon a foreign shore." Recent polls show too many troopers turning against the orange messiah. Maybe it's best to leave them to ride out the disease in Korea or where ever.

It would be the height of patriotism for one of those returning citizens, or a soldier infected overseas, if invited to the White House or a campaign event as a campaign exploitation event, to sneeze the Corona virus on the Donald, or even just a Secret Service agent in the Donald's close personal protection detail.

Tom Hall

Tom Hall