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Thursday, 23 November 2017

Dear Mr. President:

donald trump junior

We’ve taken up a collection at the Retrofit to pay Junior’s legal expenses because somebody heard that the Republican National Committee, who had been paying those expenses, remembered that he wasn’t on their payroll and that ex-DNC Chair Reince Priebus (remember him?) was on their payroll and they weren’t picking up his tab, and poor Junior has Mueller breathing down his neck and doesn’t even have a real job, though we suppose you still pay his allowance for doing chores around the campaign and White House like setting up meetings and maintaining contact with Julian and Alexander and Emin and their friends.

Anyway, the Save the Children of DJT Fund – a coffee can at the end of the bar – last evening had $3.19 in change and an IOU (written on a napkin) for $560, but it’s hard to make out the signature. Melba said that’s a lot like the 5.6 million bucks you pledged to veterans’ organizations, but didn’t actually pay until much later when pressed by the fake-news people at the Washington Post, who you said, “were not nice people”.

And then we heard that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down under pressure from the NY Attorney General (an admitted Democrat) to avoid the “appearance” of “self-dealing” – an obscure term for your practice of having other people put money into the charity and then taking it out yourself to pay legal settlements (like $158,000 for a suit against one of your golf courses) or political contributions, or Junior’s allowance – which Melba said would take up all of the remaining $970,000 in the charity.

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We thought that the legal objection to the foundation’s purchase of a six-foot portrait of you for $20,000 so that you could hang it in the sports bars of one of your golf courses was a bit picky, especially since the portrait is a piece of hack-work that gives you a hang-dog expression as if you had just been caught by Nanny Gehorsamzwingen with you hand in the cookie jar.

It turns out that most rich people who set up foundations put in their own money (which they say you last did in 2008) and then disperse it to other people. Just a misunderstanding, I’m sure.


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:43 AM EST, 23 November 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: