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Donald Trump Roy Moore

Monday, 13 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

I think it’s important that you get out ahead of the Roy-Moore-Preyed-Upon-Teenage-Girls story because some liberal-hoaxers in the fake-news media are certain to start making invidious comparisons. So here are some suggested . . . what we might call stalking points:

– First, there is no connection between a creepy prosecutor in a run-down courthouse in Etowah County and a world-class billionaire business tycoon and reality TV star at his own(

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Although that Alabama teenager may remind people that the beauty contestants you bragged about walking in on while they were naked were also teenagers, there were dozens of them and so nothing untoward could have happened.

– Second, the girl in Gadsden rejected Moore’s inept advances, such as taking off his outer clothes and trying to get her to rub his penis through his shorts (what a loser!), whereas women “let you get away with” your suave clutching of vaginas because you are “a star”. You better believe it!

– Third, although that Alabama teenager may remind people that the beauty contestants you bragged about walking in on while they were naked were also teenagers, there were dozens of them and so nothing untoward could have happened. Besides, many of them were from foreign countries where the rules are different. And besides that, it was your own [

– Fourth, as to that matter of the prostitutes at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton [a place that hick redneck judge could never afford], you should emphasize the discrepancy between the number in the account in the Dossier (two) and in the testimony of you bodyguard Keith Schiller (five) – a discrepancy that proves both false. Besides, even if both were true, it would mean that of the five that were offered by the Russians, only two showed up, suggesting that after they caught a look at your hands in the lobby, three decided they were not up to the job and hit the bricks.

– Finally, you won the Electoral College by the greatest landslide in history. (OK, not actually the greatest, but one of the greatest.) [Well, technically, it was the 46th greatest victory – which is confusing because you are only the 45th president, which makes you look like a real loser among the greatest winners, but that is because some of them, like Clinton and Obama, ran for two terms and beat you out twice.]

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Dan Embree