Friday, 13 April 2018
Dear Mr President,
I’ve been thinking about how much trouble you’re in, what with Stormy, Mueller, Shulkin, Tillerson, and Melania out there waving lies and affidavits and recordings and photographs and sulky looks and paternity tests around. Time to refocus the people’s limited attention. Out here in New Mexico, there’s just one PR firm for this job – Schleazze, Schleime, Schmutts, and Basura. (It’s a Hispanic firm, the first three guys are just token Teutons.) You’ll like them, they’re cheap. And they’re not expensive.
So I called and asked them to work up a couple of ideas:
Sample story: Tough 10-year-old street-fighter Donnie from Queens (street name – Donnie from Queens) cows gangs who steal lunch money from kids, reorganizes them into a cartel that steals lunch money from nuns. Neighborhood hero!
– “TRUE KID COMIX. Sample story: Tough 10-year-old street-fighter Donnie from Queens (street name – Donnie from Queens) cows gangs who steal lunch money from kids, reorganizes them into a cartel that steals lunch money from nuns. Neighborhood hero!
– “TRUE ADVENTURE: Sample story: GI Donnie Spurs parachutes into North Viet Nam to kidnap Ho Chi Minh. Captured, he confesses plot, but does a deal to build TRUMP-HO Tower in Hanoi. Released to secure funding, he reneges on deal, calls Ho a loser. Awarded Medal of Honor!
– “TRUE CONFESSIONS: Sample story: A series of not clearly identified models, pageant contestants, political opponents, contractors, lawyers, and cab drivers recant their accusations of assault, dirty tricks, and non-payment by a not exactly identifiable celebrity, Donnie Who. Millions in settlement fees collected.
– TRUE COP FICTION. Sample story: Racing to a convent school where a crazed gunman is shooting nuns, ruthless crime fighter Donnie the Dick waits outside until TV crews arrive, then seizes a microphone in his massive hands and threatens action. Out of victims, shooter shoots self. Cover of Time!
– TRUE ADULT SPY TALES. Sample story: CIA Agent Donnie Bond is sent to Moscow disguised as a pampered playboy. Filmed by KGB during an X-rated contest with Pia Alova, he cuts deal, including movie rights. Wins Academy Award for short subject.