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erik prince

Thursday, 30 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

I suppose you already know that Erik Prince, free-lance mercenary and wannabe secret agent, billionaire brother to your billionaire Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, will be testifying to the House Intelligence Committee today about his chance meeting in January with a unnamed Russian guy in a bar on a private beach in the Seychelles – a meeting so chance and so brief and so unimportant that Prince cannot remember his name or what they talked about or even why he was in the Seychelles in the first place. But I’m sure you’ve heard the unfounded rumors about setting up a back-channel with Putin.

Through an old CIA buddy, I’ve obtained a transcript.

I suppose you already know that Erik Prince, free-lance mercenary and wannabe secret agent, billionaire brother to your billionaire Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, will be testifying to the House Intelligence Committee today

Prince: You come here often?

Russian Guy: Nyet. I am not here now.

Prince: Me neither. I can’t remember why I’m here actually.

Russian Guy: You come from ze fet man?

Prince: A fet man? What is fet?

Russian Guy: Fet! With ze large belly. You don’t go to ze film?

Prince: Oh, fat! No. But I know a fet man. You come from the lizard man?

Russian Guy: Nyet. I come from Bolivia. No lizards there. But I know a man who iss lizard.

Prince: You have a package?

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Russian Guy: Package? What is Package? You mean peckage?

Prince: Yes, I guess. You have ze peckage?

Russian Guy: Nyet. But ze man who is lizard has peckage.

Prince: What is in ze peckage?

Russian Guy: Ze rigging.

Prince: I thought we were talking about a channel – a back . . . a beck channel.

Russian Guy: Da. Zat iss za wind. Za wind iss in za rigging. It iss rigged.

Prince: How do I get ze peckage?

Russian Guy: FedEx, you fool, what you think? Ze world on time.

Prince: I don’t understand any of this – I mean zis. I’ve finished my beer. Gotta go. By the way, what’s your name?

Russian Guy: Smith. Yours?

dan-embree-17

Prince: Jones.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 6:23 AM EST, 30 November 2017

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