Skip to main content

Thursday, 23 March 2017

failing ryancare

Dear Mr President,

Well, today is the big day – the historic vote in the House to save 24 million Americans from being sucked down the vortex of the Obamacare death-spiral and instead to set them firmly astride the seismic fault of modern American life, facing the future as their ancestors did – praying that they don’t get sick.

Your efforts to save Trumpcare from Ryancare by implying differences that no one can quite figure out have been heroic. And in the unlikely event that the outcome is unfavorable, it will have been Ryancare that was defeated.

Your efforts to save Trumpcare from Ryancare by implying differences that no one can quite figure out have been heroic. And in the unlikely event that the outcome is unfavorable, it will have been Ryancare that was defeated. After all, as you’ve been saying lately, this was all premature – you would rather have started your legislative program by cutting taxes (yours and your friends’), but you had “no choice” – a problem those 24 million can relate to.

Attempts by the liberal media to characterize your statements to Republican hold-out Mark Meadows as “a threat”, when all you said was, “I’m gonna come after you” – as if you were some sort of street-thug from Queens – were quickly squelched by your light-hearted and silver-tongued press secretary Sean Spicer. “The president had some fun with him,” Sean quipped, before adding, “He’ll pay a price.”

Your commitment to passage of this revenue-enhancing bill (people sometimes forget that Obamacare is financed by taxes on job-creators) is demonstrated by your promise to Representative Mario Diaz-Balart (a completely legal Cuban-American, though a nephew by marriage of Fidel Castro – totally not his fault) that if Diaz-Balart votes for Trumpcare, you would, according to the Failing New York Times, “hold to your pledge to consider reversing Obama’s opening with Cuba”. Even though the pledge is just to “consider” something, your promise to keep your word (given D-B vote) is, I think, unprecedented.

And speaking of the children of immigrants, I read that you had Ted Cruz (a completely legal Cuban-Canadian-American – totally not his fault) down to Mar-a-Lago to discuss his catchy labeling of Trumpcare as the “sucker-bucket” (you had to be there, I guess). Did you think of offering to call his wife pretty and his dad not a JFK assassin, in return for his vote? Just asking.

Finally, you deserve better – or better read – allies than Paul Ryan. His praise of your rallying the Republican faint-hearts as “knocking the cover off the ball” recalls, of course, a line from “Casey at the Bat”. And we all remember how that one ended.

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Monday was not the best day for your presidency, let’s face it, what with the so-called FBI chief irresponsibly throwing facts around and the so-called Speaker of the House in a panic that details of Ryancare will leak out to members of the so-called Congress. A press conference seems inevitable to counter the fake news of the enemy press. So I suggest some intensive preparation by practicing answers for the tough questions. You could have Kellyanne play Andrea Mitchell, Sean play Jake Tapper, and Ivanka play Rachel Maddow.

Scroll to Continue

Recommended Articles

Trump: We’re having a huge week, terrific, coming off a landslide victory in the popular . . .

"Mitchell": Mr President, do you have a comment on Director Comey’s announcement of an investigation into your campaign’s connection with the Russians?

Trump: A disaster! Wouldn’t answer any questions – couldn’t actually. Incompetent! That’s why he’s Ex-director Comey. I know more about the Russians than the FBI.

"Mitchell": I think that is the point of their investi . . .

Trump: Sit down! Quiet! Quiet! Next question?

"Tapper": What about your Trumpcare plan? I hear you’re going to throw $75 billion at it without saying where the money is coming from or what it will be used for, and . . .

Trump: Lies! It’s not Trumpcare. I just heard about it this morning on Breitbart. Ryan has joined the enemy press. I’m going to have him replaced. Sad!

"Tapper": Actually, I don’t think you can do . . .

Trump: I have a super healthcare plan, but it’s under audit. I’d like to release it, but I can’t. I will right after it’s passed. You’re going to love it, believe me – huge. Almost everyone will be covered – except Comey and Ryan. The Mexicans are going to pay for it. Next question . . . you sweetie?

"Maddow": Mr President, what are doing about all the leaks?

Trump: I’m conducting my own investigation – have been for years. I do the best investigations. That’s what I was doing in Moscow that time. I suspected those – I thought they were chambermaids – of leaking, and they were. The details are secret. Time’s up, I’ve got a meeting with Director Bannon.

Sunday, 20 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Now that all the false characterizations of you by the fake news outlets – agent of Putin, violator of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, money-launderer for Russian oligarchs, hider of tax returns, destroyer of health care, emolumentier extraordinaire – have been dealt with and retracted, I think it might be a good time to discuss the small-hands thing . . . not a complex certainly, not even a problem, but sort of . . . an issue, could we say?

It’s unfortunate, of course, that your hands are hanging right out there in public like pendants or being waved about like pennants, and everybody can see that they are, well, not large – while the fingers themselves are jabbing about in the air like stubby pencils, writing an imaginary story of reassuring non-particularity.

I can tell that this is bothering you – that it has kept your fragile psyche in a kind of penal servitude since adolescence, sentencing you to bang away against the rocks of insecurity with a ball-peen hammer too small for the job – and it has resulted in a penchant for bold and penetrating strokes, releasing pent-up aggression, often followed by secret penitence and a sense of impending failure.

And I wonder whether the ill-advised selection of Pence was perhaps a subconscious attempt at compensation. We need not go over that unfortunate verbal manifestation of your hands fixation in the Access Hollywood incident, which has been discussed ad nauseum by amateurs.

I am, however, a professional. (You have probably noticed that I always check the “Dr” box when I sign in.) My first advice is to stop worrying about the hands thing. You’re 70 years old – how much can it matter?

Second, keep your hands in motion all the time – thrusting upward, jabbing symmetrically sideways, making meaningless shapes with your fingers as if they were shadow puppets, so that no one can get a fix on them. (Actually, I think you’ve mastered this one on your own.)

Third, try wearing gloves all the time. You can claim a skin rash, which won’t really be a lie (on your scale) because after a week of wearing gloves, you’ll have one.

Fourth, there are ointments and pills that can make your hands swell for limited periods on those occasions – like shaking hands with Vlad – when wearing gloves would make you seem fearful of being poisoned. (Check with O.J. to see what he used that day in court.)


And finally, if your hands remain swollen longer than four hours, seek medical help right away.

Dan Embree