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jared loses top secret clearance

Friday, 2 March 2018

Dear Mr President,

I know you must be feeling sad that First Nepo Jared Kushner has had his Top Secret security clearance downgraded to Word on the Street level – especially as I read in the Borowitz Report that he was the advisor tasked with reading you selected highlights of the executive summary of the Daily Intelligence Brief while you looked at the pictures.

But there are upsides to this development:

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• Jared’s official trips abroad will no longer be burdened by the impression that he was mixing private business (building office towers in a undeveloped Arab neighborhood of Jerusalem) with top-secret official business (establishing peace between Arabs and Israelis). He will now be free to concentrate on a high-priority but low-security mission (moving the US embassy to a undeveloped Arab neighborhood of Jerusalem).

• Locking Jared in the WH basement will relieve internal tension because Kelly and McMaster despise him as a twit with no military experience, and he despises them because they are losers who didn’t inherit apartment houses. Most of the staff hate him as a snotty rich kid, and he would hate them in return if he had ever noticed them, but he hasn’t. His humiliating presence in the basement will preserve his function of providing a diversionary focus for the contempt your base has for non-veterans, snotty rich kids, and sons-in-law.

• I read in the New York Times that, relieved of his foreign assignments, Jared will have more time for his domestic projects – chief of which is prison reform. He has recently hired an executive assistant who is an expert in the field. According to Louie Gambino, “We’re looking ahead. Federal prison design will be revolutionized to accommodate the president’s new Chain Incarceration program. Luxury suites for simultaneously convicted relatives will prevent the destructive separation of real American crime families. The family that preys together, stays together.”


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:02 AM EST, 2 March 2018