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Dear France,

liberty packing

Steve Bannon Writes to France on Behalf of the President-Elect—Jaime O'Neill

After careful consideration, the U.S. of A. has decided we no longer wish to keep that Statue of Liberty art installation you gifted us with well over a century ago. Times change, and your thoughtful gift no longer seems quite as emblematic or appropriate as it once did. For one thing, it's so stylistic archaic, what with that lamp and all. Why would anyone hold fire aloft in this day and age? And the outfit the subject of the statue is wearing is so entirely retro. Frankly, it has become something of a national embarrassment to have new arrivals to our shores being greeted by that old piece of outdated statuary.

"Give us your poor…?" Give me a break. We've got plenty of poor already, those freeloaders who depend on the tax money provided by the ingenuity and enterprise of the entrepreneurial class to feed their filthy, squalling brats.

And let us not forget the words that appear on that bronze plaque on the pedestal beneath Lady Liberty, those bleeding heart sentiments written by Emma Lazarus, a long-dead liberal Jew who surely wasn't thinking about Muslims when she wrote her little sonnet welcoming the world's riff-raff, misfits, losers, and ill-smelling peasants to this country. "Give us your poor…?" Give me a break. We've got plenty of poor already, those freeloaders who depend on the tax money provided by the ingenuity and enterprise of the entrepreneurial class to feed their filthy, squalling brats.

Nor should we have our national brand sullied by the idea that we welcome these foreign slobs, or that we are deceived for even a moment that their motivation in coming here is their desire to "breathe free." Mostly they come here to get on welfare, then set up their fanatical religions in our midst. Or, if they're Mexicans, they come here illegally to drop an "anchor" brat for us hard-working Americans to support for life. Or, if they come from places like Poland or Romania, they bring their crummy Eastern European socialistic attitudes with them, along with their diseases and their inability to speak the language we speak here, the language of the King James Bible, almost.

That statue you sent us so long ago just isn't the logo we want for ourselves these days. It was nice of you to think of us back then, but it's just sending the wrong message for this brave new century upon which we are now embarked.

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Beyond those considerations, the fact is that it would be more than unkind and inconsiderate if we were to beckon people to our shores when we really don't want them, anymore. Truth to tell, we were less than glad to see most of them coming even before you gifted us with that bit of unfortunate national iconography that stands in New York harbor, nor did it escape our attention that though that statue was made there in your country, there seemed to be little desire among your own kind to stick that thing up at or near any entry points to your own country, no offense intended.

Far be it from us Americans to be so ungracious as to look a gift horse in the mouth, but the fact is that times change, and though the United States of America is proud to have been in the forefront of change since our founding, we do think it's time to re-think some of the stuff symbolized by that big hunk of statuary you gave us back before we even had radios, let alone social media.

We set the standard for people like you Frenchmen to follow and, like us, you staged a nice revolution against the tyranny of the privileged elites. But, as is so often the case with foreigners, you overdid it, got all socialistic, and began thinking all that stuff about brotherhood and equality was meant to be taken seriously. In days like ours, such ideas have become more and more irresponsible, creating a flood of refugees flitting hither and yon, destabilizing most everything, and demanding rights that really should be exclusive to people with money and property.

Our founding fathers were, lest we forget, mostly wealthy land and slave owners, that stuff about all men being created equal was subject to a whole lot of codicils and exemptions, not the least of which were women who, lest we forget, were not mentioned as equals at all, nor treated as such. Giving them the right to vote may, in fact, have been one of the bad choices we made that have led us down the path to our present day political and social dysfunction.

In any event, if you would be so kind as to come and pick up your outmoded gift at your earliest convenience, that would be much appreciated.

jaime oneill

If you don't want it back, however, do let us know because we know some guys in New Jersey who think it might have some value as scrap.

Jaime O'Neill