Tuesday, 21 November 2017
Dear Mr President,
Melba Thumper – you remember her, right? the barmaid down at the Retrofit? actually, the “maid” part is a bit of a stretch, but whatever – Anyway, Melba’s been complaining that Melania doesn’t seem to have a “thing” – you know like Nancy Reagan had ”Just Say No”, which solved the drug problem that time, and Betty Ford had “breast cancer awareness” – but, as far as we’ve heard the biggest association Melania has is those old photos of her lying naked in some rumpled sheets, and that’s probably not suitable.
Melba’s been ruminating on this for weeks and boring the stew out of customers with ideas like “PMS awareness” and “say no to barmaid grabbers” and stuff like that. Then yesterday it came to her: “Elephants!” she said, just like Lawrence of Arabia in the movie saying, “Acaba!” So Elephants it is.
Melba’s been complaining that Melania doesn’t seem to have a “thing” – you know like Nancy Reagan had ”Just Say No”, which solved the drug problem that time, and Betty Ford had “breast cancer awareness”
I’ve promised to pass her idea along to you, so if it doesn’t hit you right, that’s on her. As she puts it, it’s the “Stop the Hunting of Vanishing Elephants by Insecure Thugs” or SHOVEIT campaign – a natural for Melania, she says, we don’t know what she means by that. She says that Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke would get behind it if you would let him ride an elephant to work. Plus, she says, it would include lots of trips to African game preserves for Melania when she needed to get . . . you know . . . away.
There’s been some support from Republican Committee member Orrin Romney who says that your previous endorsement of killing elephants for trophies was a secret plan for undermining the establishment party – of which you may remember the elephant is a symbol – but the rest of us said that is the kind of pseudo-intellectual deep thinking that leads to political correctness and National Public Radio, and surely not characteristic of you.
We all noted that your policy-reversal was justified by your need to put off a decision “until such time as [you] review all conservation facts.” This was surprising because of the word “facts”. We’re used to your well-documented habit of making all decisions on the basis of your unerring “gut feeling” and frankly find facts a little scary. “When it comes to basing decision on your gut,” Melba says, “he’s obviously better equipped than any president since William Howard Taft.”
Received by the White House at 4:34 AM EST, 20 November 2017