Wednesday, 8 November 2017
Dear Mr President,
A lot of talk the other night down at the Retrofit about that “very, very sad event” by that “very deranged individual” over in Texas who “had a lot of problems over a long period of time.” Because he was pissed off at his wife, her mother, and her grandmother, he took out 26 people in their church (though the ones he hated weren’t there), your official assessment of the event was “a mental health problem of the highest level” and definitely “not a guns situation.” You settled things by saying, “That’s what I think.”
So we had another round and went to working out what a guns situation was. O’Neill, the criminal (in every sense) lawyer, suggested it was because he had just one gun, which distinguished the case from the Las Vegas shootings in which the killer had 20 some. But one of the Contreras brothers pointed out that you said that guy was deranged as well. So that wasn’t a guns situation either.
Then Jan Czrk from the Drug and Feed said, “Suppose a guy with a long history of mental problems went to the church without a gun and shouted insults like, ‘God is Dead!’ and ‘Your mothers wear army boots!’ and left. What would the difference be?”
“The gun, you moron!” said Melba Thumper, the Retrofit barmaid – ever the contrarian. “The gun and 26 corpses.” We tolerate her because she’s a very good barmaid despite her uninformed opinions. So that was still a mental health problem.
We concluded that all killings with guns, if not committed by Muslims or minorities, were mental health problems. And you can’t predict what crazy people do.
“OK,” said Czrk, “then what about a guy without any history of mental health problem, perfectly sane, like a member of Kiwanis and the NRA, goes into the church and in a perfectly rational way blows away his wife and her relatives for completely logical reasons – like they were running a child pornography ring out of the beauty parlor – and accidentally kills 23 people who get in the way.”
“Well, it’s still a mental health problem,” said Riley Fernandez, “because any NRA member whose aim is that bad must be out of his head.”
So we concluded that all killings with guns, if not committed by Muslims or minorities, were mental health problems. And you can’t predict what crazy people do.
“Background checks, you morons!” Melba again. “Keep the nut jobs from buying guns.”
“But that would be against that first (actually only) law that Trump signed, guaranteeing the rights of nut jobs to buy guns.”
[dc]“L[/dc]et’s not get into that,” said Orrin Romney (he’s on the County Committee) “this is not the time to mess with the rights of the deranged.”
Received by the White House at 5:32 AM EST, 8 November 2017