Monday, 18 December 2017
Dear Mr President,
The Friday night crowd at the Retrofit was saddened to hear about the departure of Omarosa Manigault Newman – because she quit in a huff either before or after she was fired in a huff by John Kelly. (He seems to have a problem with uppity black women, doesn’t he? – not out of prejudice, but just because they are A) black, and B) women.)
It’s not that we were fond of her, since truth to tell, we had never heard of her, and not because we appreciated the work she did as Director of White House Communications, since we were unaware that the White House worried about communications enough to direct it
But in any case, she will continue to draw her $180,000 salary for another month or so until she can file for unemployment. It’s not that we were fond of her, since truth to tell, we had never heard of her, and not because we appreciated the work she did as Director of White House Communications, since we were unaware that the White House worried about communications enough to direct it, but just because she was a fresh face in the papers after all the weeks of photos of Mike Flynn looking like a pickpocket who’s just been busted, or of 30-second clips of Sarah Huckabee Sanders snarling at a reporter as if he were a neighborhood creep who’d been caught snatching lingerie off her clothes line.
Besides, we just like saying “Omarosa Manigault Newman”.
Apparently Jared “The Prince” Kushner and Donald “The Connection” Jr didn’t like her because they didn’t know what she did. But isn’t that an asset? After all, what are Jared and Donald Jr in trouble for? Duh! It’s because everybody who reads The New York Times (“All the News that Fit to Print”) or The Western Flicker (“The Peckerwood’s Woodpecker”) knows what they’ve been up to. And Omarosa Manigault Newman isn’t talking to Mueller.
Still, as I’ve pointed out before, despite the letters I’ve faithfully sent you, the replies I’ve gotten back (3!) all said the same thing – and the same thing had nothing to do with what I’d written. Even though it’s clear that you’re getting them and following my advice (like sending Mike Pence off to dangerous places – I hear he’s going to Afghanistan next), I assume Omarosa Manigault Newman was very busy with whatever it was she really did, and so was 0 for 3 attempts (out of 150 possibilities) in matching her replies to my letters.
Finally, I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned that my letters are published every day by the LAProgressive, which has a circulation you wouldn’t believe. So don’t overlook the publicity you could get by responding with heart-felt condescension to us loyal Trumpistoleros out in Gatos Gordos County.
Received by the White House at 11:54 AM EST, 18 December 2017