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Presidential Current Events Terminology Test

Friday, 29 December 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’ve received an advance copy of General Kelly’s Presidential Current Events Terminology Test from a secret source (not Kelly). She (my source) says you are prepping hard because you are eager to impress Kelly, but I wouldn’t worry about that – he didn’t get to be a general JUST by knowing the ranges of all the howitzers. He also knows who he works for.

Pick the answer that seems most correct to you in your gut (get it? that’s a hint):

When Rachel Maddow refers to “Flynn’s Turkey Links”, she means:
A) Connections between your former aide and the country who was ACTUALLY paying him.
B) Michael Flynn’s now-cancelled golf spa near Ankara.
C) The guys whom Flynn was going to help kidnap Fethullah Gullen.
D) Your favorite breakfast sausage from Kevin Flynn’s Irish Kosher Deli.

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When you associated the FBI with “tatters”, you were referring to:
A) The things that clothe a wandering minstrel besides rags.
B) Guys that are losing a tit-for-tat contest. (Never mind about the first part – it’s not relevant.)
C) People who leak, snitch, rat, and tattle.
D) The deep-fried potatoes served to you at the FBI Academy after you made the speech about how much you loved them.

The motto (“E Pluribus Unum”) you removed from the tacky souvenir medals you pass out at the White House (in order to substitute “Make America Great Again”) means:
A) One out of many.
B) One instead of the rest.
C) Mine is the biggest one.
D) With plenty of mayo.

Your claim that “the biggest cuts” would be for the rich was a reference to:
A) Income taxes.
B) Shares of Venezuelan crude when we take the oil fields.
C) Environmental regulations.
D) Beef.

When you said in a meeting last June that “Haitians all have AIDS”, you were:
A) Expressing your usual hysterical racism.
B) Explaining that they are skinny because they use AYDS.
C) Pointing out that they require a lot of nursing care.
D) Noting that they eat so much diri kole, poule en sauce, and bannann bouyi that they are a big market for Rolaids.

The term “Kitchen Cabinet” refers to:
A) A group of informal advisers to the second greatest president ever, Andrew Jackson.
B) Select members of your cabinet (NOT Sessions, Perry, or Carson) who join you in the WH kitchen for secret meetings about Russian real estate.
C) Advisors like Betsy and Sheldon who have already gold-plated their kitchens.
D) The cupboard where cheeseburgers are kept warm all night in case of emergency.


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:59 AM EST, 29 December 2017