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Presidential Empathy Test

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Dear Mr. President

Your leaker (who signs himself “Zrtev”) just sent me this. Why do you submit to this sort of thing? Is it your sense of inadequacy at not winning Minnesota? If I were you, I would let that one go. There are just too many smart people in Minnesota. Why do you think they elected Al Franken? Just concentrate on your approval rating in places like Alabama where most people think empathy is a kind of seizure.

PRESIDENTIAL EMPATHY TEST: Complete the following statements.

1. When I see one person standing apart from the group, I . . . CALL HIM A LOSER.

2. When I sense that someone disagrees with me, I . . . GIVE HIM A DISGUSTING NAME.

When I meet an interesting, intelligent and articulate woman, I . . . COMPLIMENT HER ON HER BOOBS (IF SHE HAS THEM, OTHERWISE I’M OUTTA THERE).

3. When I meet an interesting, intelligent and articulate woman, I . . . COMPLIMENT HER ON HER BOOBS (IF SHE HAS THEM, OTHERWISE I’M OUTTA THERE).

4. When I am confronted with evidence that I have told an untruth, I . . . SHOUT “THAT’S A LIE!” SURPRISINGLY, EVERYONE AGREES.

5. When I was a child I cut up worms to see how it made me feel, and I . . . FELT GREAT BECAUSE I WAS THE BEST AT CUTTING UP WORMS.

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6. Friends never tell me about their problems because . . . THEY KNOW THEIR PROBLEMS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE.

7. I don’t enjoy having discussions about politics because . . . OTHER PEOPLE KEEP BUTTING IN WITH THEIR OPINIONS.

8. I am able to make decisions without being influenced by people’s feelings . . . YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

9. I am good at predicting what other people will do because . . . THEY ALL WORK FOR ME AND KNOW WHAT I WANT. (EXCEPT KELLY, WHO IS A HOTHEAD.)

10. When I make a list of chores that I have to do . . . FORGET IT. I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

11. I don’t feel bad if I am late meeting a friend because . . . WHAT CAN HE DO ABOUT IT?

12. I don’t find social situations confusing because . . . I AM THE SITUATION.

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[There was a hand-written note at the end: “This isn’t the half of it! – Zrtev”]

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 4:59 AM EST, 9 November 2017