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Pussy Grabbing Tape Was Fake

Monday, 27 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’ve just read in the New York Times that you have at last acknowledged that the voice that made the infamous statement about how women always yield to your manly physique and your irrepressible star power –

“I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it, you can do anything . . . grab them by the pussy . . .”

– wasn’t yours. I knew it all along, which is why I had already contacted an old buddy in the FBI, to see what he knew. And he knew plenty. But because the FBI is out to get you, they have not told anybody – not even their boss, Jeff Sessions, although his memory is so poor these days that it’s unlikely he would remember it long enough to tell you.

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The voice belongs to a gay African-American Muslim rapper who goes by Slink Snooper, and he is famous for doing voices, often both sides of an incriminating conversation. You can probably guess that he was in the pay of Hillary Clinton, who had previously hired him to do a tape of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren making out in a 1967 VW van with a Grateful Dead sticker on the bumper. Clinton never used the tape because it was very short and contained no actual words.

Anyway, in this case Slink did Billy Bush’s voice as well, and then Hillary paid the actual sound technicians at Access Hollywood to substitute Slink’s recording for the original conversation on the bus – which was actually about your plans to build a hospital for refugee children in Queens. What Hillary didn’t anticipate is that – in a stroke of real genius! – you would seize the opportunity, acknowledge the remarks (on video, so Slink couldn’t pretend to be you because the sequined mauve kufi would have given him away), and promise to “be a better man tomorrow . . . or in the next short period of time.”

I think that move won you the election, because the evangelical crowd went for the confession of sin, and the Michigan truck-driver and Pennsylvania coal-miner base solidified their connection to you for expressing their innermost desires. They are now so far past analyzing your conduct that you can safely recant your previous confession in exchange for the vote of the church-ladies of Mobile and Gadsden. Another genius move!

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 5:40 AM EST, 27 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact