Thursday, 14 December 2017
Dear Mr President,
We’ve got a Zen Master in Sal Si Puede these days, a fat guy in a silk robe and funny cap who sits cross-legged near the pot-bellied stove in the Retrofit and dispenses Eastern Wisdom for drinks between rounds of three-card monte with Big Lester, who is sure he’s going to get rich because he’s averaging a win about every fifth go. The master calls himself The Great Khan, although if you took away the purple glasses and the goatee he’d look a lot like Harold Hunsaker who used to grow weed out in the arroyo, but lit out for LA about ten years back when the narcs started sniffing around.
Lately he’s been holding forth on the inscrutable wisdom and Buddha-like serenity of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. The other night he was pondering her latest reflection on the unknowing of the knowable:
I think you’ve got her confused with Hope Hicks, She’s the one who sits at his feet and steams his pants. While he’s wearing them. I read that in Business Insider.
“Look, the president has addressed these accusations directly and denied all of these allegations. And this took place long before he was elected to be President.”
The Great K explains that though on the surface this looks like complete nonsense, “when you stare into the voidness that is neither here nor there, you catch a glimpse of the ineffable.”
“The whut?” says Big Lester.
Ignoring his pupil, The K lights a joss stick. “That which never happened,” he intones, “happened a long time ago.”
“When was that?” Lester is very puzzled.
“When they were teenagers in a beauty pageant or contestants on his so-called show, you moron” snaps Melba Thumper, the barmaid. “More to the point, when they were women! And put out the incense, fat man! We got a fire code here.”
Ignoring this heretic, the master rings a tiny bell. “As the Nabob of Nothingness has himself said, ‘You have to know your subject, and that would be the misconception of misconceptions for that.’ The Huckster has obviously sat at the feet of the Trumpster and imbibed his Tao.”
“His Tao? Is that what they call it now, Weed Whacker? I think you’ve got her confused with Hope Hicks, She’s the one who sits at his feet and steams his pants. While he’s wearing them. I read that in Business Insider.”
Ignoring this remark, the Khanster bangs his gong, then picks up his cards. “Double or nothing, Lester?
Received by the White House at 4:10 AM EST, 14 December 2017
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