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Thursday, 16 October 2017

Dear Mr. President:

It’s old news now, but last summer you took some heat from liberal know-it-alls about the UN speech in which you praised the healthcare system of Nambia, just because, technically speaking, there is no such country – not even in Africa, where there are a lot of countries. (Incidentally, this is why I urged you to keep some of those specialists in the State Department, because they know a lot of trivia like the names of countries and diseases and stuff.)

But no matter, you have so many important things to think about – what country or Republican senator to threaten on a given day, how to price the golf carts you charge the Secret Service to follow you around in, what dangerous part of the globe to send Jared next – that it’s hard to know how to find the right guy at State who has memorized the names of African countries the size of Mar-a-Lago, and count on it, Rex wouldn’t know unless it had oil reserves he’s already bought up for Exxon.

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In the century since the civilizing British Army laid down its White Man’s Burden, Pambia has been invaded by its neighbors many times, but its strategy is always to take a knee (usually two knees actually) and then go on welfare.

Well, the know-it-alls thought you meant Namibia, which is basically a dump though it has reserves of coal and oil that rich people (mainly in Texas) live off. But I figured out that you really meant Pambia, which is next door and in fact used to be part of the same country, called Nambipambia, but it didn’t sound right so they split. And Pambia has in fact a splendid healthcare system, free to all, as well as free world-class universities and universal compulsory golfing for all able-bodied citizen of both sexes over the age of 18.

The interesting thing is that Pambia has no army. In the century since the civilizing British Army laid down its White Man’s Burden, Pambia has been invaded by its neighbors many times, but its strategy is always to take a knee (usually two knees actually) and then go on welfare. This is critical because the Pambians have the world’s only treacle wells and they’re the only ones who know how to operate them, it’s a very sticky business. And the welfare bill is soon so staggering that the invaders leave and just buy the treacle already packed into bricks and delivered.

In the ‘90's Exxon tried to get the Pambians up off their knees by playing their national anthem and waving their flag about and making inspiring speeches about the Pambians who had died for their flag. “What?” said treacle engineer Milton Dormus, “We haven’t got a cloth or a song worth dying for.”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:17 AM EST, 16 November 2017