Sunday, 31 December 2017
Dear Mr President,
I think I mentioned that we have a Zen Master in Sal Si Puede, and it turns out he does astrological forecasts too. He studies the stars and the entrails of flickers, and lately he’s been sampling the winds blowing east from California. Here are his predictions for 2018:
– Charles and David K, having proved the cringing obedience of congressional Republicans, will demand a Constitutional amendment outlawing campaign contributions below $100,000.
Charles and David K, having proved the cringing obedience of congressional Republicans, will demand a Constitutional amendment outlawing campaign contributions below $100,000.
– The Supreme Court will uphold this amendment on the Originalist Grounds that the 1789 property ownership requirement would, if adjusted for inflation, limit the franchise to millionaires.
– Robert Mueller will win the Nobel Peace Prize.
– Roy Moore will bolster his claim to a senate seat by reporting that God told him he won.
– Your 2016 tax return will be leaked, showing that you are actually broke.
– After the 2018 elections, Majority Leader McConnell will retire to open “Misfire Mitch’s No-Check Gun Emporium” in Muzzle Lick, Kentucky. He will later be shot by a customer angered over incorrect change.
– Upon securing a presidential pardon, Mike Flynn will fly to Turkey and convert to Islam.
– With Jared in jail and all Kushner assets seized by Russian creditors, Ivanka will take a minimum-wage job as a fashion consultant in the Sweetwater, Texas, Walmart.
– When you write to President Pence from Leavenworth asking for a presidential pardon, he will decline – but send you a well-underlined Bible.
– Sarah Huckabee Sanders will resign as Press Secretary to open the Tough Love Christian Charm and Disciplinary Academy in Toad Suck, Arkansas. When anyone applies, she will snarl until they leave.
– Melania will buy a chateau on the Loire where the Clintons will be frequent guests.
– John Kelly will have his nomination as Defense Secretary blocked by Senator Frederica Wilson.
– Kim Jong-Un will swim across the Yalu River to seek asylum in China. When he is sent back, he will execute 150 careless border guards.
– Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert, famed for demanding that Eric Holder not “cast aspersions on my asparagus”, will continue to say really stupid but folksy things with irrelevant but heartfelt passion.
– The Democratic primaries before the 2018 elections will be so bitterly fought between the Franken “I’m-sorry” and the Gillibrand “Too-late-for-that-Buster” wings of the party that all hope of a victory in 2020 will be lost.
Received by the White House at 3:40 AM EST, 31 December 2017