Thursday, 5 January 2018
Dear Mr President,
OK, I know you’re having a bad week. There was the revelation that you never take calls on the golf course – which could mean that a North Korean missile could be descending on Mar-a-Lago just as you reach the 18th hole. And there was your claim to have made airlines safer by being very “strict” (a word your old nanny, Fraulein Gehorsamzwingen, taught you?) – which led a horde of waggish tweeterers to thank you for keeping their houses from burning down and having their lost kittens returned. And then, just as North and South Korea had started to talk to one another about talking to one another, you got into a school-yard snarking match with Kim about whose button was bigger. And finally, the Bannon book (OK, the Wolff book) revealing that Jared is a “suck-up”, that Ivanka is “dumb as a brick”, that Junior will “crack like an egg” once Mueller shines a light in his face, and that you are “an idiot surrounded by clowns”.
Finally, the Bannon book (OK, the Wolff book) revealing that Jared is a “suck-up”, that Ivanka is “dumb as a brick”, that Junior will “crack like an egg” once Mueller shines a light in his face, and that you are “an idiot surrounded by clowns”.
I sense that you are obsessed by the last of these stories, but you should shrug it off. There’s no news in it. These are all thoughts that most Americans have already had, and hearing that White House clowns share them won’t increase the enmity of liberals or decrease the devotion of your basest base. Both sides know that you were elected to cause problems, not to solve them. And no one is surprised to learn that you don’t read and that you ended your briefing on the Bill of Rights halfway through the explanation of the 4th Amendment.
No, what I want to discuss is the bigger-button issue. Everybody knows that you and Kim are not talking about buttons, but penises. (The tip-off was your adding “and mine works!” – a claim that in a 71-year old man sounds like protesting too much.) Now I know that your fundamental squeamishness and puritanical decency makes you recoil at the word “penis”. But it is just a word – the proper, anatomically correct word, not all Greek and bowdlerized like “phallus” or slangy and vulgar like . . . several words you may not know. And consider how you single-handedly (there’s an interesting construction) popularized and civilized the word “pussy” in that famous tape of yours. (And speaking of fundamental things, do you know what “fundament” meant in Middle English?)
But back to the button business. What you and Kim are bragging up is not your nuclear arsenals, but your seminal ones. Do you think that calling your penis a button makes your case?
Received by the White House at 12:41 PM EST, 4 January 2018